The link to my new site in my previous post was incorrect. It can be accessed by clicking the link below. Be sure to add it to your bookmarks.
Imaginative Logo Productions
Cheers!
Jon
Monday, November 9, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
Arby 'n' the Chief S08E01: "Fatal Exception"
Don't forget to check out and bookmark my cool new site:
Imaginative Logo Productions
This site's been killed and won't have any more updates from me beyond this, but since I just finished this video I figured I'd post it here:
Arby 'n' the Chief - Season 8, Episode 01: "Fatal Exception"
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
Arby 'n' the Chief Premiere Delay, 48 Hour Film Competition
News I'm sure will be a disappointment to some, I'm sorry -- I need to push the release of Arby 'n' the Chief's eighth season premiere episode about a week or so.
There is some good news at the end of this, though.
I was a bit behind schedule with the development of the premiere's screenplay as well as a detailed scene-by-scene outline of the entire season as I had twatted on Tweeter earlier, but I thought I could still possibly release the episode on August 1st at that point until one of my roommates who had recently caught wind of a locally organized and funded forty-eight hour film competition got myself and the other guys in the house together and pitched the idea of us all competing as a team.
"Forty-eight hour film competition", to my personal horror, pretty much means what it reads -- a five minute live action film has to be developed, written, produced, cast, designed, shot, edited, color corrected, sound designed, rendered and delivered within a rigid forty-eight hour window of time.
Might not sound too bad unless you've ever actually made a movie -- one that could be considered seriously among others in a film competition -- and are familiar with the amount of work involved across all departments and phases of filmmaking.
Myself and the others in the house make a great team and are all either film school educated or graduates and we haven't gotten together to make a flick since we had to in order to satisfy our school curriculum.
They've been enthused about the idea of helping out with Arby 'n' the Chief in some way, but writing the story is taking me so much time to do and as I'm consequently barely ever out of my room or in the house nowadays, not only does everybody on the Internet keep believing I died some horrible accident, but probably my roommates as well.
All the guys were excited by the idea of entering the competition, and as I'm one of the few among my peers dedicated almost exclusively to screenwriting and considered to be almost good at it, they wanted my help to make something funny.
Anyway, the competition's already over.
We paid the entry fee, and on the starting hour of the competition, our director (Mattisse -- a good friend of mine, he was the guy sitting next to me in my first Twitch stream) was given by the competition organizer three surprise elements that had to be incorporated in our film's story somehow (this prevented some anus from submitting content created in the past).
At 7:00 PM, as soon as we heard what the elements were over the phone, myself and a couple of guys had a little "writer's room" ready to immediately start brainstorming -- a mess of white and cork boards, sticky notes, markers and dildos.
The dildos were mine.
For about eight hours we paced around the room breaking a fast-paced, gag-riddled story about two Police Detectives in search of the world's most heinous offender of online piracy in a house full of drug dealers, assassins and kidnappers.
Sounds fun, right?
It was -- very -- but it's soured by the back of your head constantly reminding you there's no time to fuck around, and a crew full of people are devoting their time and effort to your story with the hope that it's worthwhile producing, and inspiration can be a hard thing to muster on command -- particularly if you're a moody fuck like me.
Luckily we were all in good spirits, kicked around plenty of good jokes and constructed a fairly solid five-minute plot.
After that, at about 4:00 AM, while the rest of the crew got some shut-eye, I walked alone for a half-hour to my local twenty-four hour Denny's and, for another six hours, wrote as much as I could of the screenplay based on the story the other editors and I had broken.
11:00 AM -- the director, cast and crew were on set almost ready to start shooting, and I was panicking, still not having finished the script entirely.
Though I had a full five pages written out, some of it was point-form and had blocks of action missing, and I had still yet to get the director's approval -- although most of the dialogue was there which was priority as the director had most of the film's action already blocked out in his head and, comedically, him and I are almost always on the same wavelength, so the matter of approval wasn't too much of a concern.
The script ultimately required a massive amount of re-working, however.
Not because the jokes were weak -- the team were actually consistenly praising me for keeping the dialogue funny, logical and concise -- mostly the fact was due to time constraints.
For a five-minute film, we had a lot of plot to cover, and a lot of the jokes we came up with we felt were too good to cut out.
Keeping a scene concise as well as its characters' dialogue sounding natural is a valuable skill, certainly one I haven't mastered.
As soon as the script for our film's first scene was locked, it was printed and handed off to the director and cast.
While everybody else was shooting the movie and laughing together on set, like a troll I was sitting alone in my room in the dark with slight nausea and diarrhea -- the consequence of eating solely pizza and Denny's breakfasts for days -- for hours at a time, desperately trying to get the next scene that was to be shot written in time as well as whittle down the script's full length to something that wouldn't make the eventual video editor (which ended up being our director) rip his hair out trying to keep the run-time within five minutes.
And of course that's what ended up happening, as it always does.
Writing's one thing, and it sucks.
Writing when a crew of actors, equipment operators and a director are all sitting on their hands in the next room, the sounds of their restless conversation audible, waiting on you to finish writing a scene and print it off as quickly as possible and finally make the day they've forfeited to be on set worthwhile, buying the eventual post-production team precious seconds in the final hours approaching the deadline is something else.
Staring at the monitor in vacant desperation, the pressure of the production launching missiles into your head and blowing up any bridges that lead you towards humor or creativity, trying to jump the gaps and just fucking write something.
I also hate writing short films.
Some people wonder how they could possibly fill five pages with content.
Thanks to Arby 'n' the Chief, I'm so acustomed to writing entire seasons' worth of episodic content that five minutes seems like an impossibly tiny amount of time to tell a memorable story that's properly paced with great characters from beginning to end.
I didn't get any sleep until the script and shooting of the film were completed, having been awake for about thirty-five hours altogether.
After I managed to get a half-decent amount of rest, I assisted the editor with cutting and sound designing the film.
About twenty minutes after I had taken control of our workstation to design the film's sound, to my horror I found that somebody -- most likely me -- had somehow unknowingly butchered the entire cut with duplicate, improperly placed shots and unsynchronized dialogue all over the place due to some unwise key presses.
In hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was me -- when I was tapping the Q and E keys reflexively to zoom in and out of Adobe Premiere's video timeline, as that's how I have my keys mapped on my own computer -- I wasn't working on my own station at the time -- wondering why the zoom function wasn't working and in all likelihood obliviously deleting frames or something in actuality like a dumb cunt.
Anyway, it all worked out for the most part.
The sound design is iffy, which is probably my bad for wasting time having to revert to a previous project file auto-save and lose a precious half-hour of work.
However, myself and the crew who have seen the final cut all think it's hilarious and are pleased with it given our constraints.
Nobody entirely loves filmmaking.
It sucks massive dick in the sense that it's almost always exhausting and stressful, but it's so creatively rewarding when a cool product comes together in the end that it usually makes the strain worthwhile.
That's why I do it -- if you can call my films "films" and throw a show about toys with robot voices made by a lazy writer in the same bucket as Chinatown.
Our film's been submitted, our entire house is currently a cringe-worthy mess of props, lights, camera gear and other equipment, my room's a disaster, and I'm exhausted.
The film's going to be screened at a local theater and judged before a panel of industry veterans on August 8th, after which we're allowed to release it publicly on the web, so I can share it with you as soon as that happens.
I'm still, of course, excited about and fully dedicated to making Arby 'n' the Chief's eighth season as bad-ass as possible, but I know at this point I'm not gonna be able to make my previously announced deadline for the airing of the premiere episode.
I need a more time, and I hope nobody's sore.
I'm tremendously grateful for all the support I'm receiving and continue to receive, your contributions are not without appreciation.
On the bright side, based on what I've heard from my backers, they're all enthusiastic to be able to support me in no matter what I do; I did really bust ass on this short film, and I really think it's quite funny and that you'll enjoy it when you see it.
Again, sorry about the delay -- I know I've always been notorious for delays and I'm embarrassed to fulfill the prophecy once again, and assuming I have your patience, I love you for it.
If you have any questions or conerns, please e-mail me at jcjgraham@gmail.com and I'll try to get back to you.
Cheers!
Jon
There is some good news at the end of this, though.
I was a bit behind schedule with the development of the premiere's screenplay as well as a detailed scene-by-scene outline of the entire season as I had twatted on Tweeter earlier, but I thought I could still possibly release the episode on August 1st at that point until one of my roommates who had recently caught wind of a locally organized and funded forty-eight hour film competition got myself and the other guys in the house together and pitched the idea of us all competing as a team.
"Forty-eight hour film competition", to my personal horror, pretty much means what it reads -- a five minute live action film has to be developed, written, produced, cast, designed, shot, edited, color corrected, sound designed, rendered and delivered within a rigid forty-eight hour window of time.
Might not sound too bad unless you've ever actually made a movie -- one that could be considered seriously among others in a film competition -- and are familiar with the amount of work involved across all departments and phases of filmmaking.
Myself and the others in the house make a great team and are all either film school educated or graduates and we haven't gotten together to make a flick since we had to in order to satisfy our school curriculum.
They've been enthused about the idea of helping out with Arby 'n' the Chief in some way, but writing the story is taking me so much time to do and as I'm consequently barely ever out of my room or in the house nowadays, not only does everybody on the Internet keep believing I died some horrible accident, but probably my roommates as well.
All the guys were excited by the idea of entering the competition, and as I'm one of the few among my peers dedicated almost exclusively to screenwriting and considered to be almost good at it, they wanted my help to make something funny.
Anyway, the competition's already over.
We paid the entry fee, and on the starting hour of the competition, our director (Mattisse -- a good friend of mine, he was the guy sitting next to me in my first Twitch stream) was given by the competition organizer three surprise elements that had to be incorporated in our film's story somehow (this prevented some anus from submitting content created in the past).
At 7:00 PM, as soon as we heard what the elements were over the phone, myself and a couple of guys had a little "writer's room" ready to immediately start brainstorming -- a mess of white and cork boards, sticky notes, markers and dildos.
The dildos were mine.
For about eight hours we paced around the room breaking a fast-paced, gag-riddled story about two Police Detectives in search of the world's most heinous offender of online piracy in a house full of drug dealers, assassins and kidnappers.
Sounds fun, right?
It was -- very -- but it's soured by the back of your head constantly reminding you there's no time to fuck around, and a crew full of people are devoting their time and effort to your story with the hope that it's worthwhile producing, and inspiration can be a hard thing to muster on command -- particularly if you're a moody fuck like me.
Luckily we were all in good spirits, kicked around plenty of good jokes and constructed a fairly solid five-minute plot.
After that, at about 4:00 AM, while the rest of the crew got some shut-eye, I walked alone for a half-hour to my local twenty-four hour Denny's and, for another six hours, wrote as much as I could of the screenplay based on the story the other editors and I had broken.
11:00 AM -- the director, cast and crew were on set almost ready to start shooting, and I was panicking, still not having finished the script entirely.
Though I had a full five pages written out, some of it was point-form and had blocks of action missing, and I had still yet to get the director's approval -- although most of the dialogue was there which was priority as the director had most of the film's action already blocked out in his head and, comedically, him and I are almost always on the same wavelength, so the matter of approval wasn't too much of a concern.
The script ultimately required a massive amount of re-working, however.
Not because the jokes were weak -- the team were actually consistenly praising me for keeping the dialogue funny, logical and concise -- mostly the fact was due to time constraints.
For a five-minute film, we had a lot of plot to cover, and a lot of the jokes we came up with we felt were too good to cut out.
Keeping a scene concise as well as its characters' dialogue sounding natural is a valuable skill, certainly one I haven't mastered.
As soon as the script for our film's first scene was locked, it was printed and handed off to the director and cast.
While everybody else was shooting the movie and laughing together on set, like a troll I was sitting alone in my room in the dark with slight nausea and diarrhea -- the consequence of eating solely pizza and Denny's breakfasts for days -- for hours at a time, desperately trying to get the next scene that was to be shot written in time as well as whittle down the script's full length to something that wouldn't make the eventual video editor (which ended up being our director) rip his hair out trying to keep the run-time within five minutes.
And of course that's what ended up happening, as it always does.
Writing's one thing, and it sucks.
Writing when a crew of actors, equipment operators and a director are all sitting on their hands in the next room, the sounds of their restless conversation audible, waiting on you to finish writing a scene and print it off as quickly as possible and finally make the day they've forfeited to be on set worthwhile, buying the eventual post-production team precious seconds in the final hours approaching the deadline is something else.
Staring at the monitor in vacant desperation, the pressure of the production launching missiles into your head and blowing up any bridges that lead you towards humor or creativity, trying to jump the gaps and just fucking write something.
I also hate writing short films.
Some people wonder how they could possibly fill five pages with content.
Thanks to Arby 'n' the Chief, I'm so acustomed to writing entire seasons' worth of episodic content that five minutes seems like an impossibly tiny amount of time to tell a memorable story that's properly paced with great characters from beginning to end.
I didn't get any sleep until the script and shooting of the film were completed, having been awake for about thirty-five hours altogether.
After I managed to get a half-decent amount of rest, I assisted the editor with cutting and sound designing the film.
About twenty minutes after I had taken control of our workstation to design the film's sound, to my horror I found that somebody -- most likely me -- had somehow unknowingly butchered the entire cut with duplicate, improperly placed shots and unsynchronized dialogue all over the place due to some unwise key presses.
In hindsight, I'm pretty sure it was me -- when I was tapping the Q and E keys reflexively to zoom in and out of Adobe Premiere's video timeline, as that's how I have my keys mapped on my own computer -- I wasn't working on my own station at the time -- wondering why the zoom function wasn't working and in all likelihood obliviously deleting frames or something in actuality like a dumb cunt.
Anyway, it all worked out for the most part.
The sound design is iffy, which is probably my bad for wasting time having to revert to a previous project file auto-save and lose a precious half-hour of work.
However, myself and the crew who have seen the final cut all think it's hilarious and are pleased with it given our constraints.
Nobody entirely loves filmmaking.
It sucks massive dick in the sense that it's almost always exhausting and stressful, but it's so creatively rewarding when a cool product comes together in the end that it usually makes the strain worthwhile.
That's why I do it -- if you can call my films "films" and throw a show about toys with robot voices made by a lazy writer in the same bucket as Chinatown.
Our film's been submitted, our entire house is currently a cringe-worthy mess of props, lights, camera gear and other equipment, my room's a disaster, and I'm exhausted.
The film's going to be screened at a local theater and judged before a panel of industry veterans on August 8th, after which we're allowed to release it publicly on the web, so I can share it with you as soon as that happens.
I'm still, of course, excited about and fully dedicated to making Arby 'n' the Chief's eighth season as bad-ass as possible, but I know at this point I'm not gonna be able to make my previously announced deadline for the airing of the premiere episode.
I need a more time, and I hope nobody's sore.
I'm tremendously grateful for all the support I'm receiving and continue to receive, your contributions are not without appreciation.
On the bright side, based on what I've heard from my backers, they're all enthusiastic to be able to support me in no matter what I do; I did really bust ass on this short film, and I really think it's quite funny and that you'll enjoy it when you see it.
Again, sorry about the delay -- I know I've always been notorious for delays and I'm embarrassed to fulfill the prophecy once again, and assuming I have your patience, I love you for it.
If you have any questions or conerns, please e-mail me at jcjgraham@gmail.com and I'll try to get back to you.
Cheers!
Jon
Saturday, May 23, 2015
QUICK GUIDE: Arby 'n' the Chief
Who are you?
My name's Jon Graham. I'm a screenwriter, joke writer, director, video editor and composer. I've been writing for ten years. I created terrible movies with video games as a kid. I'm now a film school graduate.
What's Arby 'n' the Chief?
A web series I created for Machinima in 2008. It ran for seven seasons, ending in 2013.
What's it about?
In my house, two Halo action figures -- Master Chief and the Arbiter -- inexplicably come to life. In my absence they play video games, frequently online, and clash with the community's abundance of haters, trolls, hackers and psychopaths.
Where can I watch it?
All the old episodes are currently available on Machinima's YouTube channel. The links are below.
So -- it's not over?
No. Through the magic of crowd-funding, I'm attempting one last run -- even though I've said that twice already throughout the series.
Where can I watch new episodes?
They'll be uploaded to my YouTube Channel.
How can I support the show?
Become a Patron.
* * *
The 'Master Chief Sucks at Halo' videos are the seeds of the show. I made them when I was young and not under any contract, just as a hobby, not expecting to be developing a series afterwards:
Master Chief Sucks at Halo
This is when Machinima hired me as a director; I chose to develop Master Chief Sucks at Halo into a larger series and created the first season of Arby 'n' the Chief.
Some links are accompanied by a separate "Com." link to the right -- these lead you to episodes with an overlayed commentary track from me, all of them cringe-inducing. Seriously, some of them are from when I was much younger, and I was a shithead:
Season 01
Here's the second season, the writing of which I'm not that proud of:
Season 02
Here's the third, which is a bit hit-and-miss and suffers from jarring shifts in tone, but has a couple of gems, namely "Wedding":
Season 03
I quit the show after the third season, burned out.
To keep the audience, Machinima produced a spin-off series in-house that was poorly received.
I later returned as showrunner, taking the writing more seriously with season four and reaching a distinct plateau in my storytelling abilities during the production of "Digital Fruitcakes":
Season 04
Season five marks a drastic shift in the show's format and tone while I attempted to balance them with its classic comedy. Episodes are no longer self-contained, now serialized, open-ended.
The story-telling is non-linear; the first scene of the first episode is a flash-forward to a scene from the last of the season:
Season 05
Act I
Act II
Act III
Season six maintains the non-linear storytelling and my attempted balance between comedy and plot, featuring stronger antagonists and overall story structure:
Season 06
Act II
Act III
Whereas season five and six were relatively upbeat, the show took a dark turn in the seventh season, with stronger emphasis on theme, story structure, character development and cinematography:
Season 07
Act I
Act II
Act III
The episodes of seasons one through seven listed above are what I call 'Story' episodes. Alongside its universe, another universe runs parallel, containing seasons of episodes called 'Bytes'.
These 'Bytes' are shorter, mostly self-contained episodes with a reduction in plot and drama and a focus on comedy, usually featuring just the toys. Here's the first season:
Bytes: Season 01
Here's the second:
Bytes: Season 02
Birthed from a plot point half-way through the fifth season's storyline involving the toys creating their own web series, the links to the Hypermail episodes below are the episodes of that series -- a show within a show featuring the toys answering fan mail. There's only one season:
Hypermail: Season 01
Throughout the series' run, occasionally I'd create a short video featuring the toys for promotional reasons:
Shorts
Short #1
Lastly, I'd also periodically produce various one-off specials, available below:
DOWNLOAD: Arby 'n' the Chief S07E25: "Ignition" Production Screenplay
Hey guys,
To give you an idea of what to expect from the screenplays in my Patreon campaign's backer reward packs, here's a freebie -- the script for season seven's last episode and, at the time of its production, finale of the entire series, 'Ignition':
Arby 'n' the Chief S07E25: "Ignition" Production Screenplay
The title page is incorrectly labeled "Game Over" (the episode before it), but the body is of the finale.
Cheers,
Jon
To give you an idea of what to expect from the screenplays in my Patreon campaign's backer reward packs, here's a freebie -- the script for season seven's last episode and, at the time of its production, finale of the entire series, 'Ignition':
Arby 'n' the Chief S07E25: "Ignition" Production Screenplay
The title page is incorrectly labeled "Game Over" (the episode before it), but the body is of the finale.
Cheers,
Jon
Friday, May 22, 2015
Patreon Details
Note to backers: Based on e-mails, tweets and my blog polls, my payment model has now been switched from per-video to per-month. This means that the amount you've pledged will be cashed out at the beginning of each month via whatever online transfer method you selected.
Should this cause you to reconsider your pledge amount, please adjust it as you see fit before you're charged.
A couple of people have suggested I go into a little more detail about my funding campaign for those who aren't sure what Patreon is exactly and how it works.
What is Patreon?
- Online crowd-funding platform.
- People support artists producing content regularly.
- Not donating towards single project.
- Anybody can pledge any amount.
- Pledge amount cashed out at each month's end.
- Pledges wired through one of numerous online banking services (Paypal, etc.)
- Pledges can be adjusted, cancelled any time.
- Rewards for backers.
- More rewards for greater pledges.
How do I support you?
Here's my campaign page:
Jon's Patreon Campaign Page
Becoming a Patron is simple:
- Click above link.
- Enter pledge amount in 'Give $X per month' field.
- Click large, orange 'Become a Patron' button.
- Select your reward.
- Enter payment info (via Patreon or Paypal).
The various rewards can be seen by clicking the link leading to my Patreon page and scrolling down.
Should this cause you to reconsider your pledge amount, please adjust it as you see fit before you're charged.
A couple of people have suggested I go into a little more detail about my funding campaign for those who aren't sure what Patreon is exactly and how it works.
What is Patreon?
- Online crowd-funding platform.
- People support artists producing content regularly.
- Not donating towards single project.
- Anybody can pledge any amount.
- Pledge amount cashed out at each month's end.
- Pledges wired through one of numerous online banking services (Paypal, etc.)
- Pledges can be adjusted, cancelled any time.
- Rewards for backers.
- More rewards for greater pledges.
How do I support you?
Here's my campaign page:
Jon's Patreon Campaign Page
Becoming a Patron is simple:
- Click above link.
- Enter pledge amount in 'Give $X per month' field.
- Click large, orange 'Become a Patron' button.
- Select your reward.
- Enter payment info (via Patreon or Paypal).
The various rewards can be seen by clicking the link leading to my Patreon page and scrolling down.
The rewards have recently been updated, along with the campaign description.
As I said before, I encourage you to only donate what you feel my content is worth to you.
Thank you all so much for your support thus far, I'm thrilled. Please stay tuned.
Cheers,
Jon
Thursday, May 21, 2015
REQUEST: Logo Designer
Would anybody be willing to design a logo, perhaps an animated one for my studio, 'Imaginative Logo Productions'? Retarded, I know.
I have a vivid visual concept in mind if anyone's interested, and I welcome to contribute your own style. Willing to pay If desired.
Nothing fancy, no lighting, explosions, jets, just a minimalist drawing of a boy being poked with a stick over and over and then scowling. The kid doesn't even need to have hair or a nose, simplicity is good, but I'm flexible. The kid can be unisex, in fact. No gender-identifying features. I'd like that. Something that looks cool, but a bit crude as well, roughly drawn. I drew the current logo in MS paint, after all.
If you have concept art or a finished product you'd like to show me, please e-mail me at jcjgraham@hotmail.com with the subject line 'Logo'. Seen some really great work from you guys so far, so I'm stoked if anybody comes up with anything. If not, no big deal.
Again, don't be afraid to let your imagination run wild, I understand the importance of collaboration and don't believe I'm a problem to work with. I love seeing other people's work. I'll only really object to something if I feel it's detrimental to what the logo's about. "Who cares about the logo, here's the movie", that's what I'm after. At the same time -- "Don't push me, motherfucker."
Cheers. I'd be willing to pay more for some site banners and thumbnails too. Site's shite.
I have a vivid visual concept in mind if anyone's interested, and I welcome to contribute your own style. Willing to pay If desired.
Nothing fancy, no lighting, explosions, jets, just a minimalist drawing of a boy being poked with a stick over and over and then scowling. The kid doesn't even need to have hair or a nose, simplicity is good, but I'm flexible. The kid can be unisex, in fact. No gender-identifying features. I'd like that. Something that looks cool, but a bit crude as well, roughly drawn. I drew the current logo in MS paint, after all.
Concept Art
Again, don't be afraid to let your imagination run wild, I understand the importance of collaboration and don't believe I'm a problem to work with. I love seeing other people's work. I'll only really object to something if I feel it's detrimental to what the logo's about. "Who cares about the logo, here's the movie", that's what I'm after. At the same time -- "Don't push me, motherfucker."
Cheers. I'd be willing to pay more for some site banners and thumbnails too. Site's shite.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
There's Actually a Line in Comedy.
You can joke about anything -- anything. Except the Scots. I'm Scottish. Those jokes are objectively not okay. Thanks for understanding. :)
I lost my Scottish accent when I accidentally slashed my vocal cords with my broadsword while I was drunkenly beheading the English.
In full Braveheart make-up while I was doing it, shouting "You what, mate?" and "Square-go, like!" over and over, calling them all cunts.
I'm joking. My face was caked in so much blood you couldn't even see the make-up. And when the next wave of English soldiers thundered atop their steeds towards me, I stood on a hill, lifted my kilt and waved my bare ass. Cock and balls sweeping left and right, slapping my thighs.
Luckily I managed to keep the wave at bay with a lively Scottish bagpipe tune. Horses reared in agony. The heads of those leading the assault exploded. Soldiers fell off their saddles, clutching their ears.
"FREEDOM" I shouted defiantly at the retreating horde of English scum.
And collapsed, dead, a life-time of daily hard alcohol and drug abuse and scalding hatred for other races having finally taken its toll.
It's alright, I'm performing a highland dance with my bonnie lass in heaven now, after the English raped and killed her. Every soldier.
It's always the fucking English.
I lost my Scottish accent when I accidentally slashed my vocal cords with my broadsword while I was drunkenly beheading the English.
In full Braveheart make-up while I was doing it, shouting "You what, mate?" and "Square-go, like!" over and over, calling them all cunts.
I'm joking. My face was caked in so much blood you couldn't even see the make-up. And when the next wave of English soldiers thundered atop their steeds towards me, I stood on a hill, lifted my kilt and waved my bare ass. Cock and balls sweeping left and right, slapping my thighs.
Luckily I managed to keep the wave at bay with a lively Scottish bagpipe tune. Horses reared in agony. The heads of those leading the assault exploded. Soldiers fell off their saddles, clutching their ears.
"FREEDOM" I shouted defiantly at the retreating horde of English scum.
And collapsed, dead, a life-time of daily hard alcohol and drug abuse and scalding hatred for other races having finally taken its toll.
It's alright, I'm performing a highland dance with my bonnie lass in heaven now, after the English raped and killed her. Every soldier.
It's always the fucking English.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Old Joke Articles
Hey.
Here's a bunch of joke articles I wrote in the past I dug up, thought you might get a chuckle.
* * *
Writer
WRITER WANTED
Are you a lover of literature and film? Are you creative? Do you have a flair for the written word? Well, we have an open position among our creative team that might be just right for you!
Responsibilities:
- Cleaning the office. We will supply lemon Pledge. Its cost will be deducted from your earnings.
- Scrubbing the toilets. Overtime will be guaranteed following the staff's Mexican dinner nights. You are to supply your own respirator, boots and umbrella.
- Getting rid of that weird squeak in Dave's office door. Seriously, it's really annoying.
- Cleaning the office windows from the outside. The ones on the five hundredth floor and upwards could use a decent wipe in particular. Washing platforms are unavailable. If you are unable to supply your own safety harness, fishing line can be supplied for a small fee. Consider tying your clothing together for a rope.
- Picking toe-nail clippings out from the thick carpet while serving your back as a temporary foot stool. Dave collects them. Don't ask me why.
- Writing four award-winning screenplays per week, although five would be appreciated.
- Feeding the cat. Not that the fat cunt needs it.
Requirements:
- Master's degrees in physics, chemistry, astronomy, biology, computer science, mathematics, engineering, health science, behavioral science and social science from a minimum of ten institutions. Additional degrees are encouraged.
- 45+ years of experience writing award-winning material.
- Having read every book ever written.
Unfortunately, we won't be able to pay you for a period likely lasting several years due to some technical issues, but Dave regularly keeps the kitchen's refrigerator stocked with Mr. Freeze, and he says that you'll be able to take one per day for as long as you like. However, he includes that the ice cream sandwiches are his alone, and strictly off-limits.
To those unimpressed by the benefits of this exciting opportunity, I say, let's face it: writers are a bunch of faggots, really. They sit around on their asses, pretending that they're thinking really hard. The gig is typically just an excuse to slack off. They're hardly actual people, if you think about it. They're all introverted social disasters and idealistic pains in the ass. I'm not quite sure why they haven't all been rounded up and gutted like cattle for being so utterly useless.
Due to the volume of applications we expect, we may not be able to respond to them all. If interested, please don't hesitate to contact us.
E-mail: 0o_XxX_Pu$$y_$lAyEr_239067283907_XxX_o0@yahoo.com
Note: Serious applications only.
* * *
Pitch
I'm working on a feature film and have written a verbal pitch of the story to throw at executives in elevators that I'd love some feedback on.
"Hey, so, yeah. What's up? I've got a pitch for you. Story idea pitch. You ready? Okay, here it is. So, yeah. It's about this guy. And this guy, he's like -- he's, uh... hold on. He... oh, yeah. He's just a classic character, you know? Picture every great film character you've ever seen. He's like that, you know? And, uh... a bunch of shit happens to this guy, and eventually meets this other guy. And this other guy -- he's bad. I mean really bad. So bad that the audience will be jumping in their seats. And then the main guy is sent on this quest to do some crazy shit. I can't remember what exactly, sorry. But it's really important. I feel like I'm bogging you down with details already anyway. So, yeah. Eventually the guy does what he has to do, but then everything goes to shit. And I mean everything. His world is just turned upside down, you know what I mean? And then the bad guy that was in the prologue comes back, and you find out that he was behind all the shit. Oh yeah, the prologue. It's a flash forward. It's like Breaking Bad times a billion. There's like, an apocalypse or something. Serious shit is going down. There's like, aliens all over the place. Or werewolves. I dunno, whatever's cool right now. Zombies? Oh, yeah -- no. Vampires are still cool, right? There you go. Vampires fucking everywhere. And the head vampire is the bad dude that comes back at the end of act two. So, yeah. The main guy is in a pretty dark place, but he changes, you know? He's forced to change himself, and that's really the heart of the story. This decision is so pivotal that it's literally unbelievable. The audience will love it. And then the last thirty minutes are just a steep roller coaster ride to the finish. Car chases, naked women -- act three will have it all. Everything. And then the main guy and the bad guy have this sweet fight on the top of a space shuttle. Before you ask -- it has to be a space shuttle. The way it looks in my head is perfect, trust me. And then the planet is about to explode or something. Not quite sure how that happens yet, the story needs a few tweaks. And the main guy stops it somehow, and everyone loves him. The reason I'm in love with this story is that I really, genuinely feel that it's got something to say, you know?"
* * *
Suits
"You can remove the stitching from the pockets when you get home, but don't ever use the pockets. Except for the inside pockets, feel free to use those. Only ever fasten the top button, and make sure you unfasten it when you sit down. Make sure there's no space between the jacket's neck line and the collar of your shirt. Don't ever leave the suit crumpled. Always grab the pants by the seam, and keep it and the jacket stored in the protective bag and hanged. That comes to $670.11."
You care about suits, that's cute, and these rules are adorable -- but this one's mine now, and for this money I'll put my legs through the jacket, arms through the pants and tongue through the fucking fly while I walk on my hands if I want. Visa.
* * *
Courses
If you like Mathematics and Creative Arts, others who enrolled in this course also enjoyed:
SEO 100: Sneezing and Eye-Opening
SRHP 300: Stomach Rubbing and Head Patting
FCC 300: Feline and Canine Care
OWS 100: Oil and Water Studies
SGKS 400: Shot Geography and the Kama Sutra
* * *
Clifford
I spend more time on Netflix for Kids than regular Netflix because I'm a big child, and fuck you. I just finished watching the first episode of the animated children's series Clifford's Puppy Days. This show should stop existing as soon as possible. The whole point of Clifford has always been that he's a big dog. Clifford, the big, red dog. That's his full title. In Clifford's Puppy Days, he's just Clifford the dog. He has no unusual quirks. All he does is generic dog things. He's still red, but that's it. You can't just paint a character all one primary color and expect people to keep tuning in. Why don't you just call the show 'Clifford the Adequately Sized Dog'? Of course you wouldn't, because that's retarded.
And his size inexplicably fluctuates throughout the show. In one shot he's as big as his owner's palm, and in the next he's as small as a single grain of his dog food. What the fuck is that? I don't see any shrink rays. Is it a magic dog? If he is, why isn't he called Clifford the Magic Dog? Can he only shrink and grow back to his puppy height? What's stopping him from just growing himself back into a big dog again, rendering the concept of him being a puppy completely redundant? Clearly the people behind this show were smoking lots of marijuana, rendering this show another reminder that the highly dangerous drug should be eradicated before it kills everybody, and anybody who has ever smoked it should be locked in prison forever. Review copyright (c) Jon Graham, do not steal.
* * *
Feminism
"She's a bit of a feminist."
I've heard that phrase time and time again with so much varying emphasis and inflection, the definition of feminism has been lost from my grasp to the thundering, supermassive chasm of who-the-fuck-knows, and the difference in sound vibrations has given me a massive brain tumor that doctors say could make my organs explode any second. Cool, thanks. Hopefully I have time to finish writing this, let alone throw on a pair of fucking pants so I can go out with some dignity and the busty, scantily-clad emergency service technicians who find me don't point and giggle at my ugly penis.
'Feminism' has become a word like 'Jew' in the sense that one word referring to a group is both the appropriate title and the label of its offensive stereotypes.
What the fuck is taking Emma Watson so long to fix the world? Somebody's lazy. Hey Emma, some of us are trying to come up with creatively obnoxious ways to get people to subscribe to our hilarious gaming commentary channels on YouTube, and we don't appreciate all these distractions. Yes, you're an accomplished and beloved actress and, through your speech, pulled the term 'feminism' out of that aforementioned chasm and placed it neatly in the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of equality, as opposed to a thunder-struck, post-apocalyptic dystopia pelted by acid rain neon with radioactivity; a sea of three billion women in the foreboding, immaculate uniforms of the Nazi party's Schutzstaffel marching with unnerving synchronicity through the streets of cities throughout the globe, stripping nude the planet's remaining living males and dragging them along tarmac towards a massive industrial fortress to be milked for sperm before being locked in barbed-wire cages and submerged in pits of bubbling tar. Obviously your audience wasn't large enough, Emma. Get out there and do something else, for crying out loud.
On the flip-side, the confusion surrounding feminism doesn't surprise me all that much, given the one-sidedness of the movement suggested by its label. If I told somebody to get ready for me to assert my strong 'masculinist' views, he'd probably take his shirt off and start shadowboxing.
* * *
Resolution
War, disease, famine, oppression, slavery, terrorism; they were just a warm-up. It's time for us to band together and push the current consumer standard limit of 1080 progressive scanning video, the greatest threat we've ever faced.
Oh, 4K's being integrated? 8K's on the horizon, you say? Know who watches video at 8K resolution? Pussies. Put me in cryo and wake me up when I can watch 512K Netflix, then I'll be impressed. I wanna see the bacteria on the actors' faces having sex and getting into fights and car chases of their own. There's a whole other world full of stories going on there I'm missing out on. Fuck you, television and media engineers. What the hell are you guys doing, anyway? When you're finished playing Yahtzee or whatever the fuck else it is you shouldn't be doing, mind getting back to work?
* * *
Godzilla
Godzilla (2014)
Leaked Screenplay Excerpt (Alternate Ending)
EXT. STADIUM - DAY
Crowds of people having been evacuated from areas of the city fill the entire arena. We SLOWLY PUSH IN on a large television monitor mounted onto a wall displaying a critical news bulletin --
Under text reading the tag-line 'GODZILLA: PIMP OF THE UNIVERSE?', a shaky camera held from the interior of a news helicopter records live footage of the monstrous GODZILLA, wearing a black leather jacket and a sick wallet chain and throwing up gang signs as he sharply bobs his head to the pounding bass of 'SIMON SAYS' BY PHAROAHE MONCHE blaring from a Godzilla-sized boom box.
The song ends. Godzilla lets out a deafening, pant-wetting roar.
He pulls out an enormous cigarette from his inner jacket pocket, sticks it between his mighty jaws, kneels down and lights the end of it with the flames belching from a devastated children's hospital shrieking with the agonized screams of scalded youth.
He stands upright. Takes a deep drag of his smoke and exhales slowly, savoring it. He pulls out a giant pair of sunglasses hanging from his chest pocket, flicks them open and places them coolly over his eyes. He kneels again slightly to pick up his boom box.
GODZILLA
I guess my work here is done.
Godzilla slowly turns around, smashing his gargantuan tail against the side of a building, crushing dozens of people underneath falling debris in the process. He starts stomping away down the highway, crushing one family-filled car after another.
CRANE SHOT -- a man runs eagerly down the highway in pursuit of Godzilla, struggling to catch his breath; the young, fresh-faced soldier FORD. We PAN DOWN to meet him in a CLOSE-UP --
FORD
Godzilla -- wait!
ANGLE ON Godzilla as he stops in his tracks. He slowly turns his head and tilts it downwards to meet Ford's gaze suavely over the top of the lenses of his glasses.
GODZILLA
What's up, kid?
Ford struggles to find words --
FORD
You saved my ass back there.
Godzilla takes another puff of his cigarette.
GODZILLA
We got lucky.
The injustice of Godzilla's modesty causes Ford's face to clench in disapproval and his eyes to well with tears. He shakes his head.
FORD
Luck didn't have anything to do with it. It was your courage. And your laser beams.
Godzilla and Ford exchange prolonged stares --
Then Godzilla smirks.
GODZILLA
You know what, kid? You're alright.
FORD
You're alright too, Godzilla.
Godzilla sets himself down on one knee and holds his mighty fist out directly in front of Ford.
Ford beams as he curls his own hand into a fist and pounds Godzilla's.
Godzilla withdraws his hand and stands upright again. He turns away.
Ford wipes the tears from his face.
FORD
Where you gonna go?
Godzilla pauses. He tilts his head to one side.
GODZILLA
Wherever I'm needed.
Godzilla then continues stomping his way a little further down the highway and around a corner towards a sick Godzilla-sized motorcycle. He places his boom box on the chopper's rear. Climbs onto the seat. Starts the engine.
Ford, chasing after Godzilla again, turns the same corner --
FORD
Godzilla!
Godzilla pauses again. Looks towards Ford.
Ford gives Godzilla an awkwardly forced thumbs-up.
FORD
Thanks.
Godzilla says nothing for a moment -- then gives a slight nod.
GODZILLA
You know where I can get some pussy around here?
FORD
Wouldn't have a clue.
Godzilla scoffs.
GODZILLA
Queer.
Godzilla then grabs a hold of the handles of his chopper -- the engine roars to life and the bike obliterates thousands of buildings as Godzilla peels away into a couple of donuts and across the city towards the water. He grinds into the ocean and disappears under its surface with a thundering splash, the sound matched only by the storm of applause from the people of the city.
FADE TO BLACK.
END.
Here's a bunch of joke articles I wrote in the past I dug up, thought you might get a chuckle.
* * *
Writer
WRITER WANTED
Are you a lover of literature and film? Are you creative? Do you have a flair for the written word? Well, we have an open position among our creative team that might be just right for you!
Responsibilities:
- Cleaning the office. We will supply lemon Pledge. Its cost will be deducted from your earnings.
- Scrubbing the toilets. Overtime will be guaranteed following the staff's Mexican dinner nights. You are to supply your own respirator, boots and umbrella.
- Getting rid of that weird squeak in Dave's office door. Seriously, it's really annoying.
- Cleaning the office windows from the outside. The ones on the five hundredth floor and upwards could use a decent wipe in particular. Washing platforms are unavailable. If you are unable to supply your own safety harness, fishing line can be supplied for a small fee. Consider tying your clothing together for a rope.
- Picking toe-nail clippings out from the thick carpet while serving your back as a temporary foot stool. Dave collects them. Don't ask me why.
- Writing four award-winning screenplays per week, although five would be appreciated.
- Feeding the cat. Not that the fat cunt needs it.
Requirements:
- Master's degrees in physics, chemistry, astronomy, biology, computer science, mathematics, engineering, health science, behavioral science and social science from a minimum of ten institutions. Additional degrees are encouraged.
- 45+ years of experience writing award-winning material.
- Having read every book ever written.
Unfortunately, we won't be able to pay you for a period likely lasting several years due to some technical issues, but Dave regularly keeps the kitchen's refrigerator stocked with Mr. Freeze, and he says that you'll be able to take one per day for as long as you like. However, he includes that the ice cream sandwiches are his alone, and strictly off-limits.
To those unimpressed by the benefits of this exciting opportunity, I say, let's face it: writers are a bunch of faggots, really. They sit around on their asses, pretending that they're thinking really hard. The gig is typically just an excuse to slack off. They're hardly actual people, if you think about it. They're all introverted social disasters and idealistic pains in the ass. I'm not quite sure why they haven't all been rounded up and gutted like cattle for being so utterly useless.
Due to the volume of applications we expect, we may not be able to respond to them all. If interested, please don't hesitate to contact us.
E-mail: 0o_XxX_Pu$$y_$lAyEr_239067283907_XxX_o0@yahoo.com
Note: Serious applications only.
* * *
Pitch
I'm working on a feature film and have written a verbal pitch of the story to throw at executives in elevators that I'd love some feedback on.
"Hey, so, yeah. What's up? I've got a pitch for you. Story idea pitch. You ready? Okay, here it is. So, yeah. It's about this guy. And this guy, he's like -- he's, uh... hold on. He... oh, yeah. He's just a classic character, you know? Picture every great film character you've ever seen. He's like that, you know? And, uh... a bunch of shit happens to this guy, and eventually meets this other guy. And this other guy -- he's bad. I mean really bad. So bad that the audience will be jumping in their seats. And then the main guy is sent on this quest to do some crazy shit. I can't remember what exactly, sorry. But it's really important. I feel like I'm bogging you down with details already anyway. So, yeah. Eventually the guy does what he has to do, but then everything goes to shit. And I mean everything. His world is just turned upside down, you know what I mean? And then the bad guy that was in the prologue comes back, and you find out that he was behind all the shit. Oh yeah, the prologue. It's a flash forward. It's like Breaking Bad times a billion. There's like, an apocalypse or something. Serious shit is going down. There's like, aliens all over the place. Or werewolves. I dunno, whatever's cool right now. Zombies? Oh, yeah -- no. Vampires are still cool, right? There you go. Vampires fucking everywhere. And the head vampire is the bad dude that comes back at the end of act two. So, yeah. The main guy is in a pretty dark place, but he changes, you know? He's forced to change himself, and that's really the heart of the story. This decision is so pivotal that it's literally unbelievable. The audience will love it. And then the last thirty minutes are just a steep roller coaster ride to the finish. Car chases, naked women -- act three will have it all. Everything. And then the main guy and the bad guy have this sweet fight on the top of a space shuttle. Before you ask -- it has to be a space shuttle. The way it looks in my head is perfect, trust me. And then the planet is about to explode or something. Not quite sure how that happens yet, the story needs a few tweaks. And the main guy stops it somehow, and everyone loves him. The reason I'm in love with this story is that I really, genuinely feel that it's got something to say, you know?"
* * *
Suits
"You can remove the stitching from the pockets when you get home, but don't ever use the pockets. Except for the inside pockets, feel free to use those. Only ever fasten the top button, and make sure you unfasten it when you sit down. Make sure there's no space between the jacket's neck line and the collar of your shirt. Don't ever leave the suit crumpled. Always grab the pants by the seam, and keep it and the jacket stored in the protective bag and hanged. That comes to $670.11."
You care about suits, that's cute, and these rules are adorable -- but this one's mine now, and for this money I'll put my legs through the jacket, arms through the pants and tongue through the fucking fly while I walk on my hands if I want. Visa.
* * *
Courses
If you like Mathematics and Creative Arts, others who enrolled in this course also enjoyed:
SEO 100: Sneezing and Eye-Opening
SRHP 300: Stomach Rubbing and Head Patting
FCC 300: Feline and Canine Care
OWS 100: Oil and Water Studies
SGKS 400: Shot Geography and the Kama Sutra
* * *
Clifford
I spend more time on Netflix for Kids than regular Netflix because I'm a big child, and fuck you. I just finished watching the first episode of the animated children's series Clifford's Puppy Days. This show should stop existing as soon as possible. The whole point of Clifford has always been that he's a big dog. Clifford, the big, red dog. That's his full title. In Clifford's Puppy Days, he's just Clifford the dog. He has no unusual quirks. All he does is generic dog things. He's still red, but that's it. You can't just paint a character all one primary color and expect people to keep tuning in. Why don't you just call the show 'Clifford the Adequately Sized Dog'? Of course you wouldn't, because that's retarded.
And his size inexplicably fluctuates throughout the show. In one shot he's as big as his owner's palm, and in the next he's as small as a single grain of his dog food. What the fuck is that? I don't see any shrink rays. Is it a magic dog? If he is, why isn't he called Clifford the Magic Dog? Can he only shrink and grow back to his puppy height? What's stopping him from just growing himself back into a big dog again, rendering the concept of him being a puppy completely redundant? Clearly the people behind this show were smoking lots of marijuana, rendering this show another reminder that the highly dangerous drug should be eradicated before it kills everybody, and anybody who has ever smoked it should be locked in prison forever. Review copyright (c) Jon Graham, do not steal.
* * *
Feminism
"She's a bit of a feminist."
I've heard that phrase time and time again with so much varying emphasis and inflection, the definition of feminism has been lost from my grasp to the thundering, supermassive chasm of who-the-fuck-knows, and the difference in sound vibrations has given me a massive brain tumor that doctors say could make my organs explode any second. Cool, thanks. Hopefully I have time to finish writing this, let alone throw on a pair of fucking pants so I can go out with some dignity and the busty, scantily-clad emergency service technicians who find me don't point and giggle at my ugly penis.
'Feminism' has become a word like 'Jew' in the sense that one word referring to a group is both the appropriate title and the label of its offensive stereotypes.
What the fuck is taking Emma Watson so long to fix the world? Somebody's lazy. Hey Emma, some of us are trying to come up with creatively obnoxious ways to get people to subscribe to our hilarious gaming commentary channels on YouTube, and we don't appreciate all these distractions. Yes, you're an accomplished and beloved actress and, through your speech, pulled the term 'feminism' out of that aforementioned chasm and placed it neatly in the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of equality, as opposed to a thunder-struck, post-apocalyptic dystopia pelted by acid rain neon with radioactivity; a sea of three billion women in the foreboding, immaculate uniforms of the Nazi party's Schutzstaffel marching with unnerving synchronicity through the streets of cities throughout the globe, stripping nude the planet's remaining living males and dragging them along tarmac towards a massive industrial fortress to be milked for sperm before being locked in barbed-wire cages and submerged in pits of bubbling tar. Obviously your audience wasn't large enough, Emma. Get out there and do something else, for crying out loud.
On the flip-side, the confusion surrounding feminism doesn't surprise me all that much, given the one-sidedness of the movement suggested by its label. If I told somebody to get ready for me to assert my strong 'masculinist' views, he'd probably take his shirt off and start shadowboxing.
* * *
Resolution
War, disease, famine, oppression, slavery, terrorism; they were just a warm-up. It's time for us to band together and push the current consumer standard limit of 1080 progressive scanning video, the greatest threat we've ever faced.
Oh, 4K's being integrated? 8K's on the horizon, you say? Know who watches video at 8K resolution? Pussies. Put me in cryo and wake me up when I can watch 512K Netflix, then I'll be impressed. I wanna see the bacteria on the actors' faces having sex and getting into fights and car chases of their own. There's a whole other world full of stories going on there I'm missing out on. Fuck you, television and media engineers. What the hell are you guys doing, anyway? When you're finished playing Yahtzee or whatever the fuck else it is you shouldn't be doing, mind getting back to work?
* * *
Godzilla
Godzilla (2014)
Leaked Screenplay Excerpt (Alternate Ending)
EXT. STADIUM - DAY
Crowds of people having been evacuated from areas of the city fill the entire arena. We SLOWLY PUSH IN on a large television monitor mounted onto a wall displaying a critical news bulletin --
Under text reading the tag-line 'GODZILLA: PIMP OF THE UNIVERSE?', a shaky camera held from the interior of a news helicopter records live footage of the monstrous GODZILLA, wearing a black leather jacket and a sick wallet chain and throwing up gang signs as he sharply bobs his head to the pounding bass of 'SIMON SAYS' BY PHAROAHE MONCHE blaring from a Godzilla-sized boom box.
The song ends. Godzilla lets out a deafening, pant-wetting roar.
He pulls out an enormous cigarette from his inner jacket pocket, sticks it between his mighty jaws, kneels down and lights the end of it with the flames belching from a devastated children's hospital shrieking with the agonized screams of scalded youth.
He stands upright. Takes a deep drag of his smoke and exhales slowly, savoring it. He pulls out a giant pair of sunglasses hanging from his chest pocket, flicks them open and places them coolly over his eyes. He kneels again slightly to pick up his boom box.
GODZILLA
I guess my work here is done.
Godzilla slowly turns around, smashing his gargantuan tail against the side of a building, crushing dozens of people underneath falling debris in the process. He starts stomping away down the highway, crushing one family-filled car after another.
CRANE SHOT -- a man runs eagerly down the highway in pursuit of Godzilla, struggling to catch his breath; the young, fresh-faced soldier FORD. We PAN DOWN to meet him in a CLOSE-UP --
FORD
Godzilla -- wait!
ANGLE ON Godzilla as he stops in his tracks. He slowly turns his head and tilts it downwards to meet Ford's gaze suavely over the top of the lenses of his glasses.
GODZILLA
What's up, kid?
Ford struggles to find words --
FORD
You saved my ass back there.
Godzilla takes another puff of his cigarette.
GODZILLA
We got lucky.
The injustice of Godzilla's modesty causes Ford's face to clench in disapproval and his eyes to well with tears. He shakes his head.
FORD
Luck didn't have anything to do with it. It was your courage. And your laser beams.
Godzilla and Ford exchange prolonged stares --
Then Godzilla smirks.
GODZILLA
You know what, kid? You're alright.
FORD
You're alright too, Godzilla.
Godzilla sets himself down on one knee and holds his mighty fist out directly in front of Ford.
Ford beams as he curls his own hand into a fist and pounds Godzilla's.
Godzilla withdraws his hand and stands upright again. He turns away.
Ford wipes the tears from his face.
FORD
Where you gonna go?
Godzilla pauses. He tilts his head to one side.
GODZILLA
Wherever I'm needed.
Godzilla then continues stomping his way a little further down the highway and around a corner towards a sick Godzilla-sized motorcycle. He places his boom box on the chopper's rear. Climbs onto the seat. Starts the engine.
Ford, chasing after Godzilla again, turns the same corner --
FORD
Godzilla!
Godzilla pauses again. Looks towards Ford.
Ford gives Godzilla an awkwardly forced thumbs-up.
FORD
Thanks.
Godzilla says nothing for a moment -- then gives a slight nod.
GODZILLA
You know where I can get some pussy around here?
FORD
Wouldn't have a clue.
Godzilla scoffs.
GODZILLA
Queer.
Godzilla then grabs a hold of the handles of his chopper -- the engine roars to life and the bike obliterates thousands of buildings as Godzilla peels away into a couple of donuts and across the city towards the water. He grinds into the ocean and disappears under its surface with a thundering splash, the sound matched only by the storm of applause from the people of the city.
FADE TO BLACK.
END.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Season Eight, Patreon, Social Media Channels, Imaginative Logo
Hey, dugs. What's happenin', dugs.
Here's a bunch of links. Please click them, dugs.
Arby 'n' the Chief Season 8 - Extended Teaser
Arby 'n' the Chief Season 8 Soundtrack
Arby 'n' the Chief Patreon Campaign Page
Imaginative Logo Facebook Page
Jon's Facebook Profile Page
Jon's LinkedIn Profile Page
Sorry it's taken so long for me to write this. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. After writing the screenplay for the premiere episode of the season, which is currently ninety-something pages, I had to put some distance between myself and keyboards for a while. That's when I put on my post-production hat and started filming and cutting the teaser together. Lots of all-nighters.
Now I'm trying to build my pathetic online presence a bit before I finalize the premiere's script and film and edit the scenes that are left. Might have to hold a few brief casting auditions, definitely have a few e-mails to send out.
My blog isn't quite the heap of shit it was a week ago. I'm not the biggest fan of social media -- I used to hate Twitter. I think there's a blog post on here from me somewhere swearing to never use Twitter or something. So much for that. Unfortunately, if you want to make it in media these days, you've gotta make all these goofy profiles. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, AssBarrel, DickPurse, FedoraHead, DildoSphincter, all the sites.
I made another retarded video. It's so gay. Check out how lame it is.
I also made a terrible synthetic, try-hard 80's-style soundtrack for the new and final season. You can not listen to it right now by avoiding the link.
I created a support campaign for the season on Patreon for some reason. Please don't give me any money, because the show's terribly made, has naughty words, poses an extreme danger to children everywhere and is, considering the terrifying damage it will inevitably inflict on humanity in the long-run, a plague upon the world.
Let's not forget the two service workers who died trying to unclog a couple of my episodes from inside the internet tubes. They drowned in internet. I don't know about you, but drowning isn't the way I wanna go out. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Except anybody who isn't straight or white like me. White power. Anybody want a ride to the rally tomorrow?
I wrote a wall-of-text biography on the page detailing my pained childhood and the roots of the series' creation even though nobody's interested. Be sure to start reading and give up on the first line of the second paragraph. Words are a thing of the past. It's all about emoticons and commentary videos now, they're the future of language. It's time we got with the program, guys. After this blog post, my entries will be composed entirely of pizza icons, soccer balls, party hats and random Vines. Some ASCII faces too, as if emoticons weren't abstract enough. Don't worry, you'll totally get them. What, you don't know what a forty-five degree angle mouth face means? Get your heads out of your books and read a text once in a while.
I placed some polls on the right side of my blog, and I'm going to put up a few more shortly after writing this, so take another look if you've answered already. I'm collecting data that will shape my video release schedule, which also effects which donation model I should go with on Patreon. What's the longest you're willing to wait between episode air dates? Do you want to wait a while for production, then have the whole season of episodes air once a week back-to-back? Are you willing to watch episodes sooner, but have to wait two or three weeks, possibly a month between episodes? Should I produce a single act of episodes within a season, then release it as a batch of one episode per week while I work on the next act, with a larger gap in between acts?
Please answer the polls if you have a minute, or share your thoughts with me via e-mail if you have an idea that you think I haven't considered and need to go into some detail.
jcjgraham@gmail.com
As of writing this, my campaign has seventy-two backers, with a per-video figure of nearly five-hundred dollars. It's quite thrilling. Thank you so much for your wonderful generosity. I'm really glad that the show has managed to resonate with so many people and bring such a supportive audience together. I'm in the process of putting the listed backer rewards together and will send them when I can.
If you have any ideas for rewards that aren't currently options on my Patreon campaign page and wouldn't be too distracting from my work on the show to deliver to you, please let me know. Preferably something digital, but I'm open to suggestion.
I created a Facebook Page for my new personal production studio, Imaginative Logo Productions. I gave up looking for graphic design gigs because trying to land one's so cut-throat -- wizards of Microsoft Paint like me are in such high demand.
Please like my page. I pour the likes into my blender, they make great smoothies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's a great way to stay in shape, and I haven't had to buy groceries in months. Facebook likes should be the universal currency, food, everything.
I made a profile as well. Please avoid spamming my wall with horse cocks. Seriously, don't. I don't want Mark Zuckerberg kicking my bedroom door in with his hands on his hips, wobbling his head from left to right as he asks in a weird voice what the hell's happening. If you intend on grooming me through private chat and burying me alive in a barrel somewhere after you've finished cutting and having your way with me, please at least lure me with plenty of tits. Like on that one True Detective, dude. You know the fucking episode. High five, bros. Up high! Down low! Too slow -- psyche!
So, I'm unofficially a university graduate with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in motion picture production. My convocation's in June. I made and fleshed out a LinkedIn profile to show myself off a bit to the corporate world.
That's right, I'm a pro-fessional. I'm the most professional fessional I know. I have a degree now, that means I'm the ideal candidate for any job I want. I'm guaranteed an income of at least six figures, a beautiful woman and a condominium. I've already scheduled a barbecue in my white-picket fenced yard with the wife, kids and the family lab. I'm not even married yet, no kids. I'm gonna hit a bar tonight and round up some broads to watch me get into a fight I start, and I'm on my way to the dog shelter now. I'm driving. I shouldn't really be writing this at the wheel, I'm on the highway, but I'm already doing coke. I'm looking through the front windshield every ten seconds, I think that's what you're supposed to do. The dog's name's gonna be Peaches. I can hear everyone honking, but I think they're just jealous they can't get a bump. What a bunch of queers. Anyway, you're invited to the barbecue, unless you don't have a degree. Anybody who doesn't is the scum of the earth and I fully support their public execution by beheading. A link to the petition will follow shortly. I trust you'll all show your support. It's time we did something about these fucking degenerates. We could always eat them, like the poor. Another reason I haven't had to buy groceries. Delicious.
Whoa, shit -- almost hit a truck there. It's alright, I'm back in my lane.
On the left side of the site you'll find a list of all the episodes of the eighth season to come. The overall structure, number of acts and episode titles are all subject to change, as they usually have been, but it might give you an idea of the story that's going to play out. I know people like to talk about this sort of thing, I do.
The feedback on the teaser so far has been great. No trolls, I'm shocked. Did you all die of starvation? It's like that feel-good scene in a zombie movie where the last of them are drawing their last breaths from empty bellies. Then I walk into frame in a dope jacket and blow your heads off with a hollow-reaction bullet.
Everything's been positive and/or constructive. The feedback really helps, including criticism of the story -- sometimes I've fixed plot holes as a result of fans pointing out things that didn't make sense. I hope that continues. I already have a list of fixes I've written in terms of story plotting and post-production based on what you've had to say, so thank you. The full premiere episode will be better for it.
For one, the watermark appeared a lot more transparent in Premiere's program window, so I'll make that more transparent. I'll consider getting rid of it entirely, but I'm not sure. I'll shrink it down at least, it is a bit distracting.
Also noticed lines at the edges of the frame between the letterboxing and the video boundary on a couple of shots in which you can see scaled video that's meant to be cropped out -- immediately after the upload. of course. I swore so loud that I woke up my friend. He lives in the Yukon.
One person wanted me to remove the black inner stroke from the white lettering of the toys' subtitles, purely for the sake of nostalgia. While I made every attempt to preserve the look of the original show to make it seem to the fans it never left, that's one alteration I'll defend. I looked at the episode without the inner stroke -- it really does improve the visibility of the text against the background, I have to keep it. I'm trying to mix the best elements of the show with upgrades that make sense, as all sequels should.
I appreciate all the critique, kind messages and fan mail, please keep it all coming if you're willing to take the time. They make me feel fuzzy.
I'll admit, you likely won't get a response from me as I'm juggling so many things at once, but I do read everything that I get. Every e-mail, every comment on every channel, so if you want to be assured that I've read something, don't worry. And if you've sent me a map I've requested and I haven't gotten back to you in a while, I apologize, I've been keeping myself busy with all this social media management. I'm trying to build more of a presence and network before I start rolling out content, I want to give myself at least a chance of success in this industry.
As well as shoops of me wearing #SWAG caps, swastika tats and smoking joints, very talented people have been sending me the likes of music tracks they've composed, fan art, samples, animation demo reels, vocal performances, et cetera. It's all been great, please keep that coming as well. Already seen some really impressive material that I'll be keeping in mind from now on for potential partnerships in the future.
Somebody made a comment on the possibility that I'm producing this season and launching a crowd-funding campaign to exploit the fans. It bothered me, even though it was one guy in a sea of positive enthusiasm.
I think the best way to address this is with honesty. Financially, I'm in a hole, and yes, the show does have a network of enthusiasts who'd love to see more content. Am I taking advantage? Well, I can't deny that my work on the show has been the most creatively rewarding experience of my life so far, and nothing I've done since has given me the same rush.
My time spent at school has had its benefits -- I now know how to work on a film set, have a basic understanding of all the equipment in each department, one or two more tools to play with when it comes to writing and some experience in every film production role, including first assistant directing which I'm not keen on doing ever again. Completely different thought process, all logistics; not for the creative types. I had two nervous breakdowns on my last outing in the position, constantly paralyzed by indecision contrary to my belief that, with all my years spent writing, I was at least mentally competent.
The best aspect of the program by far has been my network of peers, all very talented, creatively-driven and wonderful people, also with great senses of humor and a riot to party with. Great friends you can't put a price on, regardless of how steep the tuition was. So I may be hanging on for dear life from the tooth of a sarlaac pit of debt, but at least I'll get the odd poke on Facebook.
Other than that, I was often bored or frustrated to tears by classes and assignments. I wrote a lengthy rant about school in my Patreon biography.
I didn't think I'd be once I finished the seventh season's finale, but at this point I actually enjoy the thought of producing one more for a number of reasons. For one, as I've explained before, I like writing for Arbiter and Chief because their arguments are pretty much the same as the ones always happening in my head. In addition, the seventh season's ending certainly wasn't free of bitterness, and struck me as a perfect opportunity to create a final, positive act for the story. And to do it with no middle-man this time with full creative control and free of censorship? Sounds good to me.
I love making stuff, releasing it and reading people's reactions to it. It's like a comedian going on stage, putting on a good show and walking off ecstatic.
However, if I'm gonna work on the show, I could use a bit of help. I can't give it my full attention unless I can cover my living expenses, otherwise I've gotta take production assistant gigs around the city to pay the bills, which fucking suck. Jobs like that are where creativity goes to die. You're paid reasonably and fed well, but you're guarding a parking lot for seventeen hours, cooking in the sun, getting yelled at, frightened that you're doing a bad job because nobody makes eye contact with you, and you probably won't make it home until two in the morning. Then it's back on set for six or seven if you're on the next day, which a lot of people are. Some kids do that and school, I don't know how the fuck. Production assistants try to quit, but they look at their paycheck for their less intense job that follows and cringe at the thought of how much money they could be making if they just stayed on the film crew.
I can work retail, but I did that for two years during high school and I hate that too. I will if I have to, of course, I'm not saying I'm above that sort of thing by any means, but I'd sure as hell rather be making movies. I have the education now, as well as decent though somewhat lacking equipment, the distribution networks, established lore and audience. I can write and edit, thank God. I'm getting the hang of music composing a bit more too, it's really fun. I think my new tracks definitely sound a lot better than my old ones.
I also have a willingness to excel with this season, as I've always had at the start of every one I've done -- I can see for myself a visually evident increase in quality with each string of episodes, and I don't think this season appears any different so far based on the effort I put into the teaser. The quality increase hasn't necessarily been in all the right ways for some, but ways that felt important to me as a writer and filmmaker at the time.
Anyway, if you like what I'm throwing out, I hope you consider helping me do this for a living. Given my previous seven seasons of work on every aspect of their production, I'm hoping I've banked some good will.
Paulie Frost is on the back-burner for now, but still a project I'm very passionate about and hope to work on someday. My current career goal is to one day be the showrunner of an animated series for the web or television. For those not in the know, you can find a synopsis of Paulie Frost on my Patreon campaign page, under the 'Animated Series Pilot' goal on the left side. It's a comedic action and science fiction cartoon I'd like to write and direct.
Again, thank you all so much for your donations, kind comments, feedback, critique, e-mails, tracks, maps, demo reels, images, gags, etc. It's all great. Really appreciate it. Please stay tuned.
Cheers,
Jon
Here's a bunch of links. Please click them, dugs.
Arby 'n' the Chief Season 8 - Extended Teaser
Arby 'n' the Chief Season 8 Soundtrack
Arby 'n' the Chief Patreon Campaign Page
Imaginative Logo Facebook Page
Jon's Facebook Profile Page
Jon's LinkedIn Profile Page
Sorry it's taken so long for me to write this. I have a love/hate relationship with writing. After writing the screenplay for the premiere episode of the season, which is currently ninety-something pages, I had to put some distance between myself and keyboards for a while. That's when I put on my post-production hat and started filming and cutting the teaser together. Lots of all-nighters.
Now I'm trying to build my pathetic online presence a bit before I finalize the premiere's script and film and edit the scenes that are left. Might have to hold a few brief casting auditions, definitely have a few e-mails to send out.
My blog isn't quite the heap of shit it was a week ago. I'm not the biggest fan of social media -- I used to hate Twitter. I think there's a blog post on here from me somewhere swearing to never use Twitter or something. So much for that. Unfortunately, if you want to make it in media these days, you've gotta make all these goofy profiles. Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, AssBarrel, DickPurse, FedoraHead, DildoSphincter, all the sites.
I made another retarded video. It's so gay. Check out how lame it is.
I also made a terrible synthetic, try-hard 80's-style soundtrack for the new and final season. You can not listen to it right now by avoiding the link.
I created a support campaign for the season on Patreon for some reason. Please don't give me any money, because the show's terribly made, has naughty words, poses an extreme danger to children everywhere and is, considering the terrifying damage it will inevitably inflict on humanity in the long-run, a plague upon the world.
Let's not forget the two service workers who died trying to unclog a couple of my episodes from inside the internet tubes. They drowned in internet. I don't know about you, but drowning isn't the way I wanna go out. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Except anybody who isn't straight or white like me. White power. Anybody want a ride to the rally tomorrow?
I wrote a wall-of-text biography on the page detailing my pained childhood and the roots of the series' creation even though nobody's interested. Be sure to start reading and give up on the first line of the second paragraph. Words are a thing of the past. It's all about emoticons and commentary videos now, they're the future of language. It's time we got with the program, guys. After this blog post, my entries will be composed entirely of pizza icons, soccer balls, party hats and random Vines. Some ASCII faces too, as if emoticons weren't abstract enough. Don't worry, you'll totally get them. What, you don't know what a forty-five degree angle mouth face means? Get your heads out of your books and read a text once in a while.
I placed some polls on the right side of my blog, and I'm going to put up a few more shortly after writing this, so take another look if you've answered already. I'm collecting data that will shape my video release schedule, which also effects which donation model I should go with on Patreon. What's the longest you're willing to wait between episode air dates? Do you want to wait a while for production, then have the whole season of episodes air once a week back-to-back? Are you willing to watch episodes sooner, but have to wait two or three weeks, possibly a month between episodes? Should I produce a single act of episodes within a season, then release it as a batch of one episode per week while I work on the next act, with a larger gap in between acts?
Please answer the polls if you have a minute, or share your thoughts with me via e-mail if you have an idea that you think I haven't considered and need to go into some detail.
jcjgraham@gmail.com
As of writing this, my campaign has seventy-two backers, with a per-video figure of nearly five-hundred dollars. It's quite thrilling. Thank you so much for your wonderful generosity. I'm really glad that the show has managed to resonate with so many people and bring such a supportive audience together. I'm in the process of putting the listed backer rewards together and will send them when I can.
If you have any ideas for rewards that aren't currently options on my Patreon campaign page and wouldn't be too distracting from my work on the show to deliver to you, please let me know. Preferably something digital, but I'm open to suggestion.
I created a Facebook Page for my new personal production studio, Imaginative Logo Productions. I gave up looking for graphic design gigs because trying to land one's so cut-throat -- wizards of Microsoft Paint like me are in such high demand.
Please like my page. I pour the likes into my blender, they make great smoothies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's a great way to stay in shape, and I haven't had to buy groceries in months. Facebook likes should be the universal currency, food, everything.
I made a profile as well. Please avoid spamming my wall with horse cocks. Seriously, don't. I don't want Mark Zuckerberg kicking my bedroom door in with his hands on his hips, wobbling his head from left to right as he asks in a weird voice what the hell's happening. If you intend on grooming me through private chat and burying me alive in a barrel somewhere after you've finished cutting and having your way with me, please at least lure me with plenty of tits. Like on that one True Detective, dude. You know the fucking episode. High five, bros. Up high! Down low! Too slow -- psyche!
So, I'm unofficially a university graduate with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in motion picture production. My convocation's in June. I made and fleshed out a LinkedIn profile to show myself off a bit to the corporate world.
That's right, I'm a pro-fessional. I'm the most professional fessional I know. I have a degree now, that means I'm the ideal candidate for any job I want. I'm guaranteed an income of at least six figures, a beautiful woman and a condominium. I've already scheduled a barbecue in my white-picket fenced yard with the wife, kids and the family lab. I'm not even married yet, no kids. I'm gonna hit a bar tonight and round up some broads to watch me get into a fight I start, and I'm on my way to the dog shelter now. I'm driving. I shouldn't really be writing this at the wheel, I'm on the highway, but I'm already doing coke. I'm looking through the front windshield every ten seconds, I think that's what you're supposed to do. The dog's name's gonna be Peaches. I can hear everyone honking, but I think they're just jealous they can't get a bump. What a bunch of queers. Anyway, you're invited to the barbecue, unless you don't have a degree. Anybody who doesn't is the scum of the earth and I fully support their public execution by beheading. A link to the petition will follow shortly. I trust you'll all show your support. It's time we did something about these fucking degenerates. We could always eat them, like the poor. Another reason I haven't had to buy groceries. Delicious.
Whoa, shit -- almost hit a truck there. It's alright, I'm back in my lane.
On the left side of the site you'll find a list of all the episodes of the eighth season to come. The overall structure, number of acts and episode titles are all subject to change, as they usually have been, but it might give you an idea of the story that's going to play out. I know people like to talk about this sort of thing, I do.
The feedback on the teaser so far has been great. No trolls, I'm shocked. Did you all die of starvation? It's like that feel-good scene in a zombie movie where the last of them are drawing their last breaths from empty bellies. Then I walk into frame in a dope jacket and blow your heads off with a hollow-reaction bullet.
Everything's been positive and/or constructive. The feedback really helps, including criticism of the story -- sometimes I've fixed plot holes as a result of fans pointing out things that didn't make sense. I hope that continues. I already have a list of fixes I've written in terms of story plotting and post-production based on what you've had to say, so thank you. The full premiere episode will be better for it.
For one, the watermark appeared a lot more transparent in Premiere's program window, so I'll make that more transparent. I'll consider getting rid of it entirely, but I'm not sure. I'll shrink it down at least, it is a bit distracting.
Also noticed lines at the edges of the frame between the letterboxing and the video boundary on a couple of shots in which you can see scaled video that's meant to be cropped out -- immediately after the upload. of course. I swore so loud that I woke up my friend. He lives in the Yukon.
One person wanted me to remove the black inner stroke from the white lettering of the toys' subtitles, purely for the sake of nostalgia. While I made every attempt to preserve the look of the original show to make it seem to the fans it never left, that's one alteration I'll defend. I looked at the episode without the inner stroke -- it really does improve the visibility of the text against the background, I have to keep it. I'm trying to mix the best elements of the show with upgrades that make sense, as all sequels should.
I appreciate all the critique, kind messages and fan mail, please keep it all coming if you're willing to take the time. They make me feel fuzzy.
I'll admit, you likely won't get a response from me as I'm juggling so many things at once, but I do read everything that I get. Every e-mail, every comment on every channel, so if you want to be assured that I've read something, don't worry. And if you've sent me a map I've requested and I haven't gotten back to you in a while, I apologize, I've been keeping myself busy with all this social media management. I'm trying to build more of a presence and network before I start rolling out content, I want to give myself at least a chance of success in this industry.
As well as shoops of me wearing #SWAG caps, swastika tats and smoking joints, very talented people have been sending me the likes of music tracks they've composed, fan art, samples, animation demo reels, vocal performances, et cetera. It's all been great, please keep that coming as well. Already seen some really impressive material that I'll be keeping in mind from now on for potential partnerships in the future.
Somebody made a comment on the possibility that I'm producing this season and launching a crowd-funding campaign to exploit the fans. It bothered me, even though it was one guy in a sea of positive enthusiasm.
I think the best way to address this is with honesty. Financially, I'm in a hole, and yes, the show does have a network of enthusiasts who'd love to see more content. Am I taking advantage? Well, I can't deny that my work on the show has been the most creatively rewarding experience of my life so far, and nothing I've done since has given me the same rush.
My time spent at school has had its benefits -- I now know how to work on a film set, have a basic understanding of all the equipment in each department, one or two more tools to play with when it comes to writing and some experience in every film production role, including first assistant directing which I'm not keen on doing ever again. Completely different thought process, all logistics; not for the creative types. I had two nervous breakdowns on my last outing in the position, constantly paralyzed by indecision contrary to my belief that, with all my years spent writing, I was at least mentally competent.
The best aspect of the program by far has been my network of peers, all very talented, creatively-driven and wonderful people, also with great senses of humor and a riot to party with. Great friends you can't put a price on, regardless of how steep the tuition was. So I may be hanging on for dear life from the tooth of a sarlaac pit of debt, but at least I'll get the odd poke on Facebook.
Other than that, I was often bored or frustrated to tears by classes and assignments. I wrote a lengthy rant about school in my Patreon biography.
I didn't think I'd be once I finished the seventh season's finale, but at this point I actually enjoy the thought of producing one more for a number of reasons. For one, as I've explained before, I like writing for Arbiter and Chief because their arguments are pretty much the same as the ones always happening in my head. In addition, the seventh season's ending certainly wasn't free of bitterness, and struck me as a perfect opportunity to create a final, positive act for the story. And to do it with no middle-man this time with full creative control and free of censorship? Sounds good to me.
I love making stuff, releasing it and reading people's reactions to it. It's like a comedian going on stage, putting on a good show and walking off ecstatic.
However, if I'm gonna work on the show, I could use a bit of help. I can't give it my full attention unless I can cover my living expenses, otherwise I've gotta take production assistant gigs around the city to pay the bills, which fucking suck. Jobs like that are where creativity goes to die. You're paid reasonably and fed well, but you're guarding a parking lot for seventeen hours, cooking in the sun, getting yelled at, frightened that you're doing a bad job because nobody makes eye contact with you, and you probably won't make it home until two in the morning. Then it's back on set for six or seven if you're on the next day, which a lot of people are. Some kids do that and school, I don't know how the fuck. Production assistants try to quit, but they look at their paycheck for their less intense job that follows and cringe at the thought of how much money they could be making if they just stayed on the film crew.
I can work retail, but I did that for two years during high school and I hate that too. I will if I have to, of course, I'm not saying I'm above that sort of thing by any means, but I'd sure as hell rather be making movies. I have the education now, as well as decent though somewhat lacking equipment, the distribution networks, established lore and audience. I can write and edit, thank God. I'm getting the hang of music composing a bit more too, it's really fun. I think my new tracks definitely sound a lot better than my old ones.
I also have a willingness to excel with this season, as I've always had at the start of every one I've done -- I can see for myself a visually evident increase in quality with each string of episodes, and I don't think this season appears any different so far based on the effort I put into the teaser. The quality increase hasn't necessarily been in all the right ways for some, but ways that felt important to me as a writer and filmmaker at the time.
Anyway, if you like what I'm throwing out, I hope you consider helping me do this for a living. Given my previous seven seasons of work on every aspect of their production, I'm hoping I've banked some good will.
Paulie Frost is on the back-burner for now, but still a project I'm very passionate about and hope to work on someday. My current career goal is to one day be the showrunner of an animated series for the web or television. For those not in the know, you can find a synopsis of Paulie Frost on my Patreon campaign page, under the 'Animated Series Pilot' goal on the left side. It's a comedic action and science fiction cartoon I'd like to write and direct.
Again, thank you all so much for your donations, kind comments, feedback, critique, e-mails, tracks, maps, demo reels, images, gags, etc. It's all great. Really appreciate it. Please stay tuned.
Cheers,
Jon
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Monday, May 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Fix the World Campaign
Hey, guys.
I've decided to stop writing forever and focus my efforts on fixing the world.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etsDN7Azjl0
Please do your part.
Cheers,
Jon
I've decided to stop writing forever and focus my efforts on fixing the world.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etsDN7Azjl0
Please do your part.
Cheers,
Jon
Monday, October 6, 2014
Crowd-Funding Projects, Chemotheraplay Feedback, Season Eight of You-Know-What
Hello, folks.
As you know, I had three projects that I had written about my interest in producing through crowd-funding.
These were Chemotheraplay, a satirical video game review show (two cuts of the pilot of which are available for viewing on the menu at the page's left side); a satirical film-making walk-through series starring my ridiculous Cameron Shuttersnap character (who can also be seen on the left in 'Film and You'); and a pilot episode for a potential animated action, science fiction (or 'syfy' if you're an asshole) and comedy series called Paulie Frost, revolving around a penguin who's bullied as a child, grows up to be a brutal intergalactic mercenary and becomes a bully himself in the gruesome, action-packed process of taking down psychopathic terrorists.
A few weeks ago, I created a poll asking my fan base what they'd prefer to see. Initially, I was secretly hoping that the filmmaking review show would be chosen, as that's the one that I can see myself both making quite funny and producing with relative ease. However, Paulie Frost was the victor.
Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that this is the case, because that's the project that I'm definitely most excited about from a creative stand-point, but I'm not sure who I'd get to animate it once I finish a script for the pilot. I had a potential one lined up, my friend D Laz who I've collaborated with in the past, but he's already working for studios that are piling on his work hours, and is insanely busy. It's definitely not a project I intend on abandoning, but it may not be my wisest choice right now.
As of now, I can't help but feel a little bit apprehensive to starting a crowd-funding campaign in the midst of my school term.
I keep hearing from instructors and runners of past campaigns that crowd-funding is an every-day gig, requiring that backers be updated on the progress of the project they're donating to daily, and I only ever update my blog once every billion years -- as I know you're all painfully aware. That means you'll only get two updates at most after this one before the sun obliterates the Earth. If you're looking to kill a billion years, you can always look for an online match on Smash Bros. that doesn't lag like shit.
I'm in the fourth and final year of my film production program, and while I've gained a tremendous amount of practical experience, I'm fearful that it's made me a worse writer; that is to say even worse. I can recall a certain creative energy that I had before I started the program that's all but been sapped away. While the program's teaching me to tap into the true beauty and potential of cinema, I still just want to write about bears in fighter jets and people's heads exploding.
Maybe that's exactly why I need to be in the program. Not that I'm finding the time to write that stuff anyway, being bogged down with assignments that I find unbearably dull, no matter how many times my instructors tell me to "try and have fun with it." Every time I hear that, my eyes roll so far back into my head that I need an ambulance. That, and "five year plan," which makes me grind my teeth into dust.
However, I don't think there's any shame in writing for younger audiences. I'll eternally respect the likes of Klasky-Csupo and Nickelodeon for producing shows like Rugrats, for example, which taught me the very important lesson at an early, naive age that adults are full of shit, and that their seniority shouldn't make them immune to questioning; a lesson that I believe proves quite beneficial throughout post-secondary education, and will continue to be throughout life onward, I'm certain.
I'm also daunted at the prospect of having to produce valuable donation rewards and shipping them all out. I'm not sure what to offer as a reward other than shaving off tufts of my pubic hair. I don't really have a franchise associated with me other than Arby 'n' the Chief, the stars of which are Microsoft trademarks, so I imagine that I can't throw those guys on a t-shirt without getting body-checked by SWAT and getting raped in the bum in prison forever.
That being said, I still intend on giving this crowd-funding thing a shot eventually. The responsibility that comes with it is just daunting, and I'm worried that I won't have the time to keep all of the backers constantly appraised and satisfied.
I've read all of the comments on the Chemotheraplay Pitch Video, and I'm very grateful to all those who checked out the video and provided me thoughtful, constructive feedback, it's useful and much appreciated. Nearly all of it has been great, only a minor number of trolls haven't retreated back under their bridges.
Everybody seemed to like it overall. The preference between one cut and the other seems fairly even. People generally liked the offensiveness and lack of restraint in the first one, but also the clarity and swift pacing of the second.
There's a school of thought that the first cut's opening sequence was far too much, and another that the extremity was appreciable, not to mention personal friends of mine have approached me and said it wasn't extreme enough, and that I should've pushed it even further. Granted, I have friends who are as mentally ailed as I am.
A bunch of people thought that the mask made me look like a complete wack-job, and not in a good way. In hindsight, I don't blame them. Good thing it's on the internet forever now, along with all the other terrible shit I've made. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's driving my career further towards the Earth's core. Things are getting hot.
Recently, I twatted on Tweeter regarding the possibility of doing one more season of Arby 'n' the Chief. I twatted so hard. For those interested or appalled by the idea, I should elaborate.
I'm almost as mentally divided about continuing the show as I've ever been, but not quite; which surprises me, because I was expecting the opposite -- that I'd swear off the show more and more as time went on.
The truth is, part of me misses writing for those characters as they basically represent my left brain arguing with my right, which are constantly at war anyway.
Might as well get it on paper if it's funny.
However, the other part keeps reminding me that I'm halfway to twenty-seven years of age, I'd be lying on my stomach to film myself playing with action figures for an eighth run, and I may as well give up on the idea of procreation and down a bottle of bleach at the wrap party with only myself in attendance, save for the stuffed animals propped up in fancy attire that I provide the voices for in varying pitches.
I'm quite terrified of being that guy who's pushing fifty, big clumps of hair missing from his balding scalp and his Huggies soaked in urine, trying to promote the seventy-ninth season of Arby 'n' the Chief that's 'edgier than ever', with every spoken word including conjunctions replaced with either 'faggot' or 'cunt', and anything resembling even a slightly substantial story replaced with a montage of the toys punching each other in the face and drinking semen.
In spite of these depressing thoughts, I asked my contact at Machinima a little while ago where the show stood in terms of intellectual property control.
I've done all of the writing, editing and the majority of the performing required to bring the show into existence, Machinima is the written owner and distributor who had paid my fees, Microsoft owns nearly all of the characters that mine are based on as well as the software and artwork required to produce the in-game sequences, and Bungie produced those elements.
I gave up trying to determine the true owner of the show a long time ago. Legally speaking, it's a thicker gray area than my great grandmother's bush. I might as well be looking for Tupac or Carmen Sandiego.
However, in the response that I'd received, I was in fact encouraged to create additional episodes and upload them to my own channel, with no threat of legal dispute, so I went on Twatter to ask the fans whether or not they'd like to see one more season.
Based on the twats that were twitted to me in response, those in favor against those who disapprove seems to be roughly seventy-thirty.
I feel I should go into some detail on my idea for an eighth season if I'm considering going forward with it. Spoiler warning; don't read below if you haven't seen the show, assuming you give a shit about the hole-riddled story.
I don't want to nullify the gravity of the toys' death with some 'it was all a dream' thing, obviously. At the same time, there's already a lot about this universe that makes zero sense. Why are the toys conscious in the first place? How are they conscious? Why do they speak the way they do? How can they eat and digest cereal? How can they metabolize alcohol? How do they piss? How does Chief ejaculate when he's beating off? How the fuck does he beat off in the first place with no genitalia? Why do they need to sleep? Why are Chief's subtitles rendered gibberish for no reason other than a visual gag? Why can we occasionally see a finger in the frame gripping the toys? Why am I never fucking home?
Given these toothy, sarlacc pit-like plot holes, I figure it's okay to take a little bit of liberty in the suspension of the audience's disbelief in writing myself out of the toys' suicide, but not so much that it's off-putting. In the series' pilot episode, the toys inexplicably came to life for no particular reason, burst out from their packaging and started fighting one another unprovoked. In the context of the entire show, there's really nothing stopping me from bringing them back in a similar manner.
That's the route I'm leaning towards, and the question of the season would become why they've returned, and their goal would be to finally discover their purpose for being, which Arbiter has been asking throughout the entire show and seems like a fitting final thematic. To maintain the gravity of their suicide, the toys would return with a complete recollection of what had happened.
This isn't to say that I'm now unhappy with the way that I ended season seven. I'm actually still quite content with the current ending, I appreciate the ambiguity of the toys' fate after being vaporized, and I like to look at it as a victory for the pair, in the sense that they finally took some control over their lives that they, at that point, truly believed had no purpose, and escaping their destroyed bodies and excruciatingly repetitive existence.
However, part of me can't help but think now of how cool it would be to pick up the show from there, just when everyone thought the show was dead and gone, and build a relatively short string of episodes that deliver a cuss and antics-filled roller-coaster ride towards a more positive end that I'd be just as happy with, which I already have in mind. I think it's quite beautiful; it would be similar to season six's ending in terms of tone, and part of me wants to see the characters happy. The problem is finding connective tissue for my current anchor points of the story that won't piss everybody off and have me cyber-bullied into hara-kiri.
I've got a good villain in mind too, one who's been established previously. I don't want to spoil it, but it shouldn't be too hard to guess who's been the most despicable villain in the series and could possibly make another appearance given the way he went out. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get the same voice actor to return.
What I'm going for is a plot that's shorter, but more engaging than what has been seen already that continues to take full advantage of what the game content has to offer in terms of action, and balancing it evenly with isolated, funny, live-action moments with the toys as if they were 'Byte' episodes.
For those reading this who may be new to the show, the complete timeline is a bit of a mess. There's seasons dedicated to a main story line, seasons for shorter, self-contained sketches, and individual holiday specials. If you plan on sharing the show with anybody, please direct them to this blog and have them check it out through the menu on the left which reasonably divides and sorts all of the episodes, rather than click on a random one that pops up in a vague YouTube search, wonder what the fuck is happening and close the window.
There's also a significant jump in the show's tone and form half-way through the main story line seasons, starting around the latter end of season four. That's when I started incorporating super lame stuff, like character development and non-linear story arcs. Some new viewers may choose to start watching from there, I don't know.
The eighth season, should I go forward with it, would also incorporate the afterlife in a funny way, as well as myself as a character. I'm also considering finally executing my idea for a 2001: A Space Odyssey parody with the toys by incorporating it as the pair's subconscious transition from life into the afterlife, serving as their minds' coping mechanisms and a metaphor for transcendence.
I've created a poll asking about whether or not I should try and throw out one more season of the show. What do you think? Would you like to see the characters again? Would you be offended if the toys' deliciously dark end was worked around, and the show was brought to a positive conclusion? Would you think that I was just caving to those who have been desperate for more content, trying to potentially squeeze dollars out of a fatally beaten horse that has no business being given the kiss of life with lots of icky tongue?
I'm not even sure if it's legal to crowd-fund a show like this, with all of the assets and trademarks that aren't mine. I'm going to have to do some asking around if this project is favored.
Whatever you guys think, I'm honestly cool with it. I liked Ignition's ending, and if people think that enough is enough, I'll happily walk away from the series and focus on something else.
Thank you as always for all of your support, comments and e-mails, they mean a great deal to me and I hope they keep coming.
Cheers,
Jon
As you know, I had three projects that I had written about my interest in producing through crowd-funding.
These were Chemotheraplay, a satirical video game review show (two cuts of the pilot of which are available for viewing on the menu at the page's left side); a satirical film-making walk-through series starring my ridiculous Cameron Shuttersnap character (who can also be seen on the left in 'Film and You'); and a pilot episode for a potential animated action, science fiction (or 'syfy' if you're an asshole) and comedy series called Paulie Frost, revolving around a penguin who's bullied as a child, grows up to be a brutal intergalactic mercenary and becomes a bully himself in the gruesome, action-packed process of taking down psychopathic terrorists.
A few weeks ago, I created a poll asking my fan base what they'd prefer to see. Initially, I was secretly hoping that the filmmaking review show would be chosen, as that's the one that I can see myself both making quite funny and producing with relative ease. However, Paulie Frost was the victor.
Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that this is the case, because that's the project that I'm definitely most excited about from a creative stand-point, but I'm not sure who I'd get to animate it once I finish a script for the pilot. I had a potential one lined up, my friend D Laz who I've collaborated with in the past, but he's already working for studios that are piling on his work hours, and is insanely busy. It's definitely not a project I intend on abandoning, but it may not be my wisest choice right now.
As of now, I can't help but feel a little bit apprehensive to starting a crowd-funding campaign in the midst of my school term.
I keep hearing from instructors and runners of past campaigns that crowd-funding is an every-day gig, requiring that backers be updated on the progress of the project they're donating to daily, and I only ever update my blog once every billion years -- as I know you're all painfully aware. That means you'll only get two updates at most after this one before the sun obliterates the Earth. If you're looking to kill a billion years, you can always look for an online match on Smash Bros. that doesn't lag like shit.
I'm in the fourth and final year of my film production program, and while I've gained a tremendous amount of practical experience, I'm fearful that it's made me a worse writer; that is to say even worse. I can recall a certain creative energy that I had before I started the program that's all but been sapped away. While the program's teaching me to tap into the true beauty and potential of cinema, I still just want to write about bears in fighter jets and people's heads exploding.
Maybe that's exactly why I need to be in the program. Not that I'm finding the time to write that stuff anyway, being bogged down with assignments that I find unbearably dull, no matter how many times my instructors tell me to "try and have fun with it." Every time I hear that, my eyes roll so far back into my head that I need an ambulance. That, and "five year plan," which makes me grind my teeth into dust.
However, I don't think there's any shame in writing for younger audiences. I'll eternally respect the likes of Klasky-Csupo and Nickelodeon for producing shows like Rugrats, for example, which taught me the very important lesson at an early, naive age that adults are full of shit, and that their seniority shouldn't make them immune to questioning; a lesson that I believe proves quite beneficial throughout post-secondary education, and will continue to be throughout life onward, I'm certain.
I'm also daunted at the prospect of having to produce valuable donation rewards and shipping them all out. I'm not sure what to offer as a reward other than shaving off tufts of my pubic hair. I don't really have a franchise associated with me other than Arby 'n' the Chief, the stars of which are Microsoft trademarks, so I imagine that I can't throw those guys on a t-shirt without getting body-checked by SWAT and getting raped in the bum in prison forever.
That being said, I still intend on giving this crowd-funding thing a shot eventually. The responsibility that comes with it is just daunting, and I'm worried that I won't have the time to keep all of the backers constantly appraised and satisfied.
I've read all of the comments on the Chemotheraplay Pitch Video, and I'm very grateful to all those who checked out the video and provided me thoughtful, constructive feedback, it's useful and much appreciated. Nearly all of it has been great, only a minor number of trolls haven't retreated back under their bridges.
Everybody seemed to like it overall. The preference between one cut and the other seems fairly even. People generally liked the offensiveness and lack of restraint in the first one, but also the clarity and swift pacing of the second.
There's a school of thought that the first cut's opening sequence was far too much, and another that the extremity was appreciable, not to mention personal friends of mine have approached me and said it wasn't extreme enough, and that I should've pushed it even further. Granted, I have friends who are as mentally ailed as I am.
A bunch of people thought that the mask made me look like a complete wack-job, and not in a good way. In hindsight, I don't blame them. Good thing it's on the internet forever now, along with all the other terrible shit I've made. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's driving my career further towards the Earth's core. Things are getting hot.
Recently, I twatted on Tweeter regarding the possibility of doing one more season of Arby 'n' the Chief. I twatted so hard. For those interested or appalled by the idea, I should elaborate.
I'm almost as mentally divided about continuing the show as I've ever been, but not quite; which surprises me, because I was expecting the opposite -- that I'd swear off the show more and more as time went on.
The truth is, part of me misses writing for those characters as they basically represent my left brain arguing with my right, which are constantly at war anyway.
Might as well get it on paper if it's funny.
However, the other part keeps reminding me that I'm halfway to twenty-seven years of age, I'd be lying on my stomach to film myself playing with action figures for an eighth run, and I may as well give up on the idea of procreation and down a bottle of bleach at the wrap party with only myself in attendance, save for the stuffed animals propped up in fancy attire that I provide the voices for in varying pitches.
I'm quite terrified of being that guy who's pushing fifty, big clumps of hair missing from his balding scalp and his Huggies soaked in urine, trying to promote the seventy-ninth season of Arby 'n' the Chief that's 'edgier than ever', with every spoken word including conjunctions replaced with either 'faggot' or 'cunt', and anything resembling even a slightly substantial story replaced with a montage of the toys punching each other in the face and drinking semen.
In spite of these depressing thoughts, I asked my contact at Machinima a little while ago where the show stood in terms of intellectual property control.
I've done all of the writing, editing and the majority of the performing required to bring the show into existence, Machinima is the written owner and distributor who had paid my fees, Microsoft owns nearly all of the characters that mine are based on as well as the software and artwork required to produce the in-game sequences, and Bungie produced those elements.
I gave up trying to determine the true owner of the show a long time ago. Legally speaking, it's a thicker gray area than my great grandmother's bush. I might as well be looking for Tupac or Carmen Sandiego.
However, in the response that I'd received, I was in fact encouraged to create additional episodes and upload them to my own channel, with no threat of legal dispute, so I went on Twatter to ask the fans whether or not they'd like to see one more season.
Based on the twats that were twitted to me in response, those in favor against those who disapprove seems to be roughly seventy-thirty.
I feel I should go into some detail on my idea for an eighth season if I'm considering going forward with it. Spoiler warning; don't read below if you haven't seen the show, assuming you give a shit about the hole-riddled story.
I don't want to nullify the gravity of the toys' death with some 'it was all a dream' thing, obviously. At the same time, there's already a lot about this universe that makes zero sense. Why are the toys conscious in the first place? How are they conscious? Why do they speak the way they do? How can they eat and digest cereal? How can they metabolize alcohol? How do they piss? How does Chief ejaculate when he's beating off? How the fuck does he beat off in the first place with no genitalia? Why do they need to sleep? Why are Chief's subtitles rendered gibberish for no reason other than a visual gag? Why can we occasionally see a finger in the frame gripping the toys? Why am I never fucking home?
Given these toothy, sarlacc pit-like plot holes, I figure it's okay to take a little bit of liberty in the suspension of the audience's disbelief in writing myself out of the toys' suicide, but not so much that it's off-putting. In the series' pilot episode, the toys inexplicably came to life for no particular reason, burst out from their packaging and started fighting one another unprovoked. In the context of the entire show, there's really nothing stopping me from bringing them back in a similar manner.
That's the route I'm leaning towards, and the question of the season would become why they've returned, and their goal would be to finally discover their purpose for being, which Arbiter has been asking throughout the entire show and seems like a fitting final thematic. To maintain the gravity of their suicide, the toys would return with a complete recollection of what had happened.
This isn't to say that I'm now unhappy with the way that I ended season seven. I'm actually still quite content with the current ending, I appreciate the ambiguity of the toys' fate after being vaporized, and I like to look at it as a victory for the pair, in the sense that they finally took some control over their lives that they, at that point, truly believed had no purpose, and escaping their destroyed bodies and excruciatingly repetitive existence.
However, part of me can't help but think now of how cool it would be to pick up the show from there, just when everyone thought the show was dead and gone, and build a relatively short string of episodes that deliver a cuss and antics-filled roller-coaster ride towards a more positive end that I'd be just as happy with, which I already have in mind. I think it's quite beautiful; it would be similar to season six's ending in terms of tone, and part of me wants to see the characters happy. The problem is finding connective tissue for my current anchor points of the story that won't piss everybody off and have me cyber-bullied into hara-kiri.
I've got a good villain in mind too, one who's been established previously. I don't want to spoil it, but it shouldn't be too hard to guess who's been the most despicable villain in the series and could possibly make another appearance given the way he went out. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get the same voice actor to return.
What I'm going for is a plot that's shorter, but more engaging than what has been seen already that continues to take full advantage of what the game content has to offer in terms of action, and balancing it evenly with isolated, funny, live-action moments with the toys as if they were 'Byte' episodes.
For those reading this who may be new to the show, the complete timeline is a bit of a mess. There's seasons dedicated to a main story line, seasons for shorter, self-contained sketches, and individual holiday specials. If you plan on sharing the show with anybody, please direct them to this blog and have them check it out through the menu on the left which reasonably divides and sorts all of the episodes, rather than click on a random one that pops up in a vague YouTube search, wonder what the fuck is happening and close the window.
There's also a significant jump in the show's tone and form half-way through the main story line seasons, starting around the latter end of season four. That's when I started incorporating super lame stuff, like character development and non-linear story arcs. Some new viewers may choose to start watching from there, I don't know.
The eighth season, should I go forward with it, would also incorporate the afterlife in a funny way, as well as myself as a character. I'm also considering finally executing my idea for a 2001: A Space Odyssey parody with the toys by incorporating it as the pair's subconscious transition from life into the afterlife, serving as their minds' coping mechanisms and a metaphor for transcendence.
I've created a poll asking about whether or not I should try and throw out one more season of the show. What do you think? Would you like to see the characters again? Would you be offended if the toys' deliciously dark end was worked around, and the show was brought to a positive conclusion? Would you think that I was just caving to those who have been desperate for more content, trying to potentially squeeze dollars out of a fatally beaten horse that has no business being given the kiss of life with lots of icky tongue?
I'm not even sure if it's legal to crowd-fund a show like this, with all of the assets and trademarks that aren't mine. I'm going to have to do some asking around if this project is favored.
Whatever you guys think, I'm honestly cool with it. I liked Ignition's ending, and if people think that enough is enough, I'll happily walk away from the series and focus on something else.
Thank you as always for all of your support, comments and e-mails, they mean a great deal to me and I hope they keep coming.
Cheers,
Jon
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