Immediately following my last blog update, I was tragically involved in what had to be my several hundredth gruesome car accident.
While being as attentive of the dangerously icy highway as I could possibly be while yet again snorting cocaine off of my steering wheel, blaring Skrillex loud enough to shatter the windows, playing a very complicated game on my mobile in between sending texts to my heroin dealer for a generous hook-up, watching my dash-mounted television with an 80” split-screen display of the new Transformers movie next to a furious, cuss-filled Call of Duty free-for-all multiplayer session on the tiniest map and receiving balls-deep head from a prostitute sitting next to me so that I could occupy the H.O.V. lane (or H.I.V. lane, depending on how you want to look at it), some asshole ahead of me going dangerously below the speed limit came out of nowhere while I was travelling at well over four hundred kilometers per hour in an attempt to make it home on time to watch the 24: Live Another Day finale.
This cunt, who clearly undervalued the gravity of the Jack Bauer Power Hour, smashed the back of his vehicle hard against the front of my speeding car and sent it flipping over nine thousand times along the road, hammering children and grandmothers passing by into oblivion until plummeting into the river and exploding like an atomic bomb.
I’ve just been released from the hospital with flying colors once again, but the doctors strongly advised that I stop dying, and not die more than sixteen or seventeen more times, should it one day become slightly more permanent.
So, what have I been up to?
I can’t help but wonder how people out there picture me at this point; whether or not it’s an image of some overweight Halo nerd, regularly wiping my television screen free of fluid that could either be semen from chronic masturbation or pus having shot out from squeezing severe ‘sackne’, desperate to one day make machinima again and make a glorious comeback.
Although I still have a poor diet, now consisting almost exclusively of sugary kids’ cereal, I’m reasonably and surprisingly ‘fit’ -- in terms of appearance, at least -- and as I write this, I have a thickening beard, the hood of a sweatshirt thrown over my now closely shaved head, and I’m wearing a utiltarian green denim jacket covered in cigarette burns over said sweatshirt. If you were to pass me on the street, you might think that I was about to shank you in the abdomen and run away with your wallet.
I also have little to no interest in making more game-generated content, and I barely ever play video games anymore. The adult in me says that I’m better off -- I’m twenty-six years old now -- but the ever-present child in me is an angry motherfucker.
I haven’t regularly smoked cigarettes in almost a year now, I’m vaping on one of those electronic ones with the maximum strength of nicotine. That and the crippling heroin addiction have done wonders in holding my nicotine cravings at bay.
My most recent development has been my completion of a first draft -- also known as a shit draft -- of my first feature-length script. As I’ve mentioned on the Tweeter, it’s of the action-drama genre; a heist movie, inspired by the films of Michael Mann, among others. A modest amount of characters, a focused story, lots of guns, lots of blood, lots of semen.
Alright, maybe I’ll withhold the semen, save it for the inevitable sequel.
I’m quite a sentimental person, and when I voiced to my friend my intent to have the script bound with braids like a real screenplay and saved among my treasured belongings, he laughed and called me a faggot. I blew a load in his eye.
I realize that I’ve accumulatively written much longer stories in the past, but this is the longest work that I’ve written that isn’t in an episodic format; not to mention actually features real people and environments, as opposed to digital or plastic ones.
I’m also currently working on the pilot episode of an intense action-comedy cartoon series, which I’ve probably written over a hundred outlines of and have yet to hammer out a solid draft:
It would revolve around a character named Paulie Frost -- a small penguin with an attitude and no time for bullshit, who turns from a submissive youngster taking merciless beatings from bullies into -- a decade and a half into the future -- a grizzled, intergalactic travelling mercenary for hire on hopelessly suicidal missions, sporting sunglasses, a bomber’s jacket, a chrome-plated Desert Eagle .50, a grappling hook and a heavy addiction to cigarettes.
He would work alongside a rag-tag team of misfit critters and childhood friends as well as a malfunctioning robot named Fizzle, who would also serve as the on-board artifical intelligence for their tiny, barely-held-together ship.
Paulie, however, beyond mere financial reward, is driven by a greater desire to search the universe for his childhood sweetheart, Penny, who has long been kidnapped and forced into slave labor by a monstrous leopard seal named General Leonard Rex, the leader of an elusive criminal syndicate bent on dominating the universe and spearheading a massive army of lethal, brain-washed soldiers.
On Paulie’s journey of locating and recovering Penny at all costs, he’s forced to do horrific things and is placed in danger of becoming the one thing he and Penny hate the most and have always stood up against -- a bully.
So, there’s that. The action would be brutal and gruesome, but the show would have a strong emotional core.
If I complete a draft, I’ll be taking it to a few kick-ass animators that I know, namely the man who goes by the alias of D Laz, who some of you might be familiar with. Then I’ll likely start a crowd-funding campaign for it. That seems to be the ticket these days, but I can’t help but feel hesitant.
I’ve gotta do something soon, I’m broke as fuck. Seriously.
Sure wish I was getting residual income for the hits I’ve gotten for Machinima; I might have owned a personal collection of fighter jets and my own fucking space shuttle by now.
It probably has sure as hell seemed like it, but I’m not vegetating. Many probably picture me as a giant lump of broccoli laying in a bed by now. The truth is that I’m still very driven towards producing content and I’ve been getting a lot done, it just hasn’t been seeing the light of day, unfortunately.
I haven’t had a place to call my own for almost two months now. I had to move out of my bachelor’s apartment because I couldn’t cut the required amount of rent for much longer.
I could’ve started charging extra money for sucking dicks on the street, but then I would’ve had to swallow.
Thank Christ that I’ve made very kind and close friends throughout my time spent at school working towards a Bachelor of Motion Picture Arts degree -- which, another friend of mine assures me, should prove incredibly useful for rolling a massive blunt with once my schooling is over -- and for the past month and a half I’ve been couch-surfing in a recreational space of a two-story house in co-habitance with a number of said friends.
All of my shit is currently being held in storage in a facility way at the very ass-end of the city, including my desktop computer, which is why I’ve been uploading fuck all as of late. All I’ve had since I’ve moved is my laptop, my notebook, some clothing and a few other essential times with me -- namely my expansive collection of freaky dildos.
I know what you’re thinking: What do you think carrots and hamsters are for?
The good news is that I’ve finally manged to secure a place of my own, but I won’t be getting the keys until the first of August, and I’ll be living with four other guys. I’m not worried -- they’re all great. But the fact remains that, if we’re living together, we’re all obligated to fuck each other, and that might be awkward. Everybody at the the same time, too -- it’ll be like that thrusting pile of naked men in the ‘Gooback’ episode South Park.
Also worth mentioning is the fact that each of us have a distinctive skill-set: I write predominantly, another has written and directed his own feature film already, another is a great camera operator with a wealth of gear, and another is a film lighting technician; and all of us have experience writing, filming and editing on a number of platforms, including Final Cut, Premiere, Avid -- and even Windows Movie Maker and Microsoft Paint, the kings of them all.
Ideally, once we’ve settled into the place, we’d like to establish a work flow and get some content rolling out.
I’ve been getting a few twats on Tweeter and some digimatronic mails in regard to people creating and uploading their own spin-offs and reboots of my old content; Arby ‘n ‘the Chief, among others. I’ve noticed that some fans are pleased with the fact, and others are throwing up torches and pitchforks and expect that I’m just as outraged.
To be honest, I’m flattered that there are people out there who are fond enough of my content to feel compelled to continue it in their own way.
That being said, rules pertaining to intellectual properties are in place for a reason, and all people who have created and uploaded their own versions of my content without my consent will be subject to a $750,000,000,000,000,000,000 fine and the anal insertion of a carnivorous rodent. I don’t make the rules, I just invent them.
In all seriousness -- the above is true.
In slightly more seriousness, I’m not going to attack anybody or slap lawsuits on them for being big fans of my stuff, that’s retarded. Besides, Machinima owns the show anyway.
Speaking of Machinima, and in response to many inquiries -- no, I am currently not working with Machinima anymore; that chapter of my life is closed. At this time I’m not prepared to discuss how that came to be exactly.
All I’ll say is that it wasn’t pleasant.
Working on Arby ‘n’ the Chief was stressful, but there were aspects of that job that I miss. I miss working in my underwear, as well as the rush of completing and submitting a new episode, then being met with lots of immediate feedback, most of which was very positive, constructive and encouraging towards the end of the show’s run.
I started out writing and producing through the same means as these unoffical reboot uploaders -- imitation. I’d watch certain stuff, really like things about it, and then try to recreate it in order to convince myself that I was capable of conveying the same feeling through visuals myself.
Thanks to the fact and after I started figuring out how story-telling works, I was able to evolve my process and begin writing and producing original content -- but that didn’t come until much, much later. Season seven of Arby ‘n’ the Chief is the only season of the show that I’m overall satisfied with. Maybe season five as well.
When I was starting out, I was also infringing my ass off, using tracks from popular music artists and the scores of major motion pictures without consent, and taking beloved Microsoft trademarks and rendering them twisted in what I believed to be a funny context and satirical of the world of video gaming at the time.
I was a stupid kid, and I don’t encourage anybody to follow in my particular footsteps. I’m thankful that I haven’t been legally flayed alive for my ineptitude.
All I’ll say in regard to the inspired uploads is that I can’t accept or announce any of these fan-made Arby ‘n’ the Chief storylines as canon, as I still stand by the way that I ended the show -- much still to the disapproval of many, I’m sure. Sorry.
Believe it or not, I consider it a happy ending for the toys. Perhaps I’m wrong and it’s only revealing of the degree at which I’m fucked in the head, but it’s an ending that I personally felt creatively driven to build towards.
The only thing that bothers me about the inspired content is that, besides Arby ‘n’ the Chief, I think terribly of nearly everything that I’ve ever made -- so, in regretful spite of the appreciation by fans of my old shows, which I am grateful for, it genuinely makes me cringe when people suggest the idea of their live-action reboots and the like.
Notice that I’m not even mentioning the names of those shows; my insecurity and desire to distance myself from that work is that absurd.
As the writer on said shows, I’m very familiar with the processes of thought that went into creating them, and they were bad. My logic and tastes were poor. The fact is, I didn’t know how to write at the time. I was learning.
I’ve talked about this before -- I don’t mean to speak lowly of the terrific performances from other people that I was kindly given to contribute to that old content. I’m just painfully unsatisfied with my abilities at the time, and I honestly don’t believe that the work is worthy of being rebooted. Out of my insecurity, I wouldn’t condone it -- however, if somebody’s going to stop these inspired content creators, it isn’t going to be me.
The one thing that I would suggest is for those people to instead focus their energy on something new and better.
To wrap this up -- I should be settled in my new place sometime in the middle of August, and I have a plan.
Remember Chemotheraplay, that satirical gaming review show I tried to get off of the ground? The pilot was ordered, produced and paid for by Machinima, but it ended up sitting on their servers, never seeing the light of day.
When I inquired about the fate of the show to a contact that I have at Machinima’s offices, and whether I still owned the rights to the intellectual property even though the pilot was paid for, I was told that I could upload the pilot to my own private channel and that the company’s legal team was highly unlikely to cause a problem for me.
I have a censored and an uncensored version of said pilot -- the uncensored version was the first cut that I sent, and it was deemed ‘too extreme’. I can’t help but be proud.
So, once I’m settled, I plan to upload both versions up onto my private YouTube channel and let you be the judge -- so you will eventually be able to see it. And if people like it, I might throw up a donation page on Kickstarter or something like that and offer to produce a full season, or perhaps a show similar to it, all on my own creative terms.
I’ve also been building a wealth of ideas for sketches, short films, feature-length films and more episodic series in my time without a permanent residence that I’ll develop further once I’m settled, so you’ll definitely be seeing content from me eventually.
Many thanks to all of you for your continued support of me. I’m eternally grateful.