Friday, April 18, 2014

I'm gonna be a cool dad.

Alberta is introducing new tanning bed legislation this year that might restrict people under eighteen from using them. That's fucking bullshit. I want my children birthed under a tanning bed. They've gotta work on their tans as soon as possible. I'm gonna have the sexiest goddamn babies that have ever walked the earth.

As soon as they're pushed out and they're left to soak up those glorious rays for about -- I'd say four hours -- there won't be any time left to mop up the blood or carefully cut the umbilical cords. I'll just chew them right off, 'cause I've gotta get them down to the gym for some P90X, and real fucking fast. Gotta work those pectorals.

Now, I know what you're thinking at this point.

Jesus Christ, dude.

That's fucking awesome. How much will your kids be able to bench?

I'll start them off at around forty pounds, give or take. By the end of the workout, we'll have worked our way up to four hundred. Think whatever you want about that, but I'm not raising any fucking pussies.

As soon as that's over, I'll quickly dunk the kids into a prepared bath full of Giorgio Armani, 'cause then I've gotta haul their asses down to Le Chateau. Gotta get them some tight-fitting collared shirts and pop those collars straight the fuck up, as they should be. The kids won't have much hair, obviously -- but there's no harm in some product to make whatever's there look fucking fabulous. Torn, faded jeans? No shit. Sports sunglasses with orange tint? You bet your fucking ass. And dope-ass silver watches just like Jordan Belfort's. If the kids haven't spent enough time under the bed, it's nothing a spray-on tan can't fix.

Then it's straight to the night clubs to load the kids up with absinthe shots, parade them around and get them some sweet-ass poon already. Then we'll get home and if they've gotten ten chicks' phone numbers by the end of the night, I'll throw on Wolf of Wall Street for them as a reward before I put them to bed. I think that it's important for kids to have strong role models. If they start to fall asleep, I'll just press their faces against the television and duct tape their heads to it. If they've gotten fifteen numbers, I'll buy them Grand Theft Auto V on the way home. They can play that for a few hours after the movie. They'll need their rest for the beauty pageants and UFC cage fights that I'll have signed them up for.

I just want to be a cool dad, you know? It's hard to walk the line between a cool one and an irresponsible one, but I think I've found a balance.