Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Fix the World Campaign

Hey, guys.

I've decided to stop writing forever and focus my efforts on fixing the world.


Please do your part.


Monday, October 6, 2014

Crowd-Funding Projects, Chemotheraplay Feedback, Season Eight of You-Know-What

Hello, folks.

As you know, I had three projects that I had written about my interest in producing through crowd-funding.

These were Chemotheraplay, a satirical video game review show (two cuts of the pilot of which are available for viewing on the menu at the page's left side); a satirical film-making walk-through series starring my ridiculous Cameron Shuttersnap character (who can also be seen on the left in 'Film and You'); and a pilot episode for a potential animated action, science fiction (or 'syfy' if you're an asshole) and comedy series called Paulie Frost, revolving around a penguin who's bullied as a child, grows up to be a brutal intergalactic mercenary and becomes a bully himself in the gruesome, action-packed process of taking down psychopathic terrorists.

A few weeks ago, I created a poll asking my fan base what they'd prefer to see. Initially, I was secretly hoping that the filmmaking review show would be chosen, as that's the one that I can see myself both making quite funny and producing with relative ease. However, Paulie Frost was the victor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that this is the case, because that's the project that I'm definitely most excited about from a creative stand-point, but I'm not sure who I'd get to animate it once I finish a script for the pilot. I had a potential one lined up, my friend D Laz who I've collaborated with in the past, but he's already working for studios that are piling on his work hours, and is insanely busy. It's definitely not a project I intend on abandoning, but it may not be my wisest choice right now.

As of now, I can't help but feel a little bit apprehensive to starting a crowd-funding campaign in the midst of my school term.

I keep hearing from instructors and runners of past campaigns that crowd-funding is an every-day gig, requiring that backers be updated on the progress of the project they're donating to daily, and I only ever update my blog once every billion years -- as I know you're all painfully aware. That means you'll only get two updates at most after this one before the sun obliterates the Earth. If you're looking to kill a billion years, you can always look for an online match on Smash Bros. that doesn't lag like shit.

I'm in the fourth and final year of my film production program, and while I've gained a tremendous amount of practical experience, I'm fearful that it's made me a worse writer; that is to say even worse. I can recall a certain creative energy that I had before I started the program that's all but been sapped away. While the program's teaching me to tap into the true beauty and potential of cinema, I still just want to write about bears in fighter jets and people's heads exploding.

Maybe that's exactly why I need to be in the program. Not that I'm finding the time to write that stuff anyway, being bogged down with assignments that I find unbearably dull, no matter how many times my instructors tell me to "try and have fun with it." Every time I hear that, my eyes roll so far back into my head that I need an ambulance. That, and "five year plan," which makes me grind my teeth into dust.

However, I don't think there's any shame in writing for younger audiences. I'll eternally respect the likes of Klasky-Csupo and Nickelodeon for producing shows like Rugrats, for example, which taught me the very important lesson at an early, naive age that adults are full of shit, and that their seniority shouldn't make them immune to questioning; a lesson that I believe proves quite beneficial throughout post-secondary education, and will continue to be throughout life onward, I'm certain.

I'm also daunted at the prospect of having to produce valuable donation rewards and shipping them all out. I'm not sure what to offer as a reward other than shaving off tufts of my pubic hair. I don't really have a franchise associated with me other than Arby 'n' the Chief, the stars of which are Microsoft trademarks, so I imagine that I can't throw those guys on a t-shirt without getting body-checked by SWAT and getting raped in the bum in prison forever.

That being said, I still intend on giving this crowd-funding thing a shot eventually. The responsibility that comes with it is just daunting, and I'm worried that I won't have the time to keep all of the backers constantly appraised and satisfied.

I've read all of the comments on the Chemotheraplay Pitch Video, and I'm very grateful to all those who checked out the video and provided me thoughtful, constructive feedback, it's useful and much appreciated. Nearly all of it has been great, only a minor number of trolls haven't retreated back under their bridges.

Everybody seemed to like it overall. The preference between one cut and the other seems fairly even. People generally liked the offensiveness and lack of restraint in the first one, but also the clarity and swift pacing of the second.

There's a school of thought that the first cut's opening sequence was far too much, and another that the extremity was appreciable, not to mention personal friends of mine have approached me and said it wasn't extreme enough, and that I should've pushed it even further. Granted, I have friends who are as mentally ailed as I am.

A bunch of people thought that the mask made me look like a complete wack-job, and not in a good way. In hindsight, I don't blame them. Good thing it's on the internet forever now, along with all the other terrible shit I've made. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's driving my career further towards the Earth's core. Things are getting hot.

Recently, I twatted on Tweeter regarding the possibility of doing one more season of Arby 'n' the Chief. I twatted so hard. For those interested or appalled by the idea, I should elaborate.

I'm almost as mentally divided about continuing the show as I've ever been, but not quite; which surprises me, because I was expecting the opposite -- that I'd swear off the show more and more as time went on.

The truth is, part of me misses writing for those characters as they basically represent my left brain arguing with my right, which are constantly at war anyway.

Might as well get it on paper if it's funny.

However, the other part keeps reminding me that I'm halfway to twenty-seven years of age, I'd be lying on my stomach to film myself playing with action figures for an eighth run, and I may as well give up on the idea of procreation and down a bottle of bleach at the wrap party with only myself in attendance, save for the stuffed animals propped up in fancy attire that I provide the voices for in varying pitches.

I'm quite terrified of being that guy who's pushing fifty, big clumps of hair missing from his balding scalp and his Huggies soaked in urine, trying to promote the seventy-ninth season of Arby 'n' the Chief that's 'edgier than ever', with every spoken word including conjunctions replaced with either 'faggot' or 'cunt', and anything resembling even a slightly substantial story replaced with a montage of the toys punching each other in the face and drinking semen.

In spite of these depressing thoughts, I asked my contact at Machinima a little while ago where the show stood in terms of intellectual property control.

I've done all of the writing, editing and the majority of the performing required to bring the show into existence, Machinima is the written owner and distributor who had paid my fees, Microsoft owns nearly all of the characters that mine are based on as well as the software and artwork required to produce the in-game sequences, and Bungie produced those elements.

I gave up trying to determine the true owner of the show a long time ago. Legally speaking, it's a thicker gray area than my great grandmother's bush. I might as well be looking for Tupac or Carmen Sandiego.

However, in the response that I'd received, I was in fact encouraged to create additional episodes and upload them to my own channel, with no threat of legal dispute, so I went on Twatter to ask the fans whether or not they'd like to see one more season.

Based on the twats that were twitted to me in response, those in favor against those who disapprove seems to be roughly seventy-thirty.

I feel I should go into some detail on my idea for an eighth season if I'm considering going forward with it. Spoiler warning; don't read below if you haven't seen the show, assuming you give a shit about the hole-riddled story.

I don't want to nullify the gravity of the toys' death with some 'it was all a dream' thing, obviously. At the same time, there's already a lot about this universe that makes zero sense. Why are the toys conscious in the first place? How are they conscious? Why do they speak the way they do? How can they eat and digest cereal? How can they metabolize alcohol? How do they piss? How does Chief ejaculate when he's beating off? How the fuck does he beat off in the first place with no genitalia? Why do they need to sleep? Why are Chief's subtitles rendered gibberish for no reason other than a visual gag? Why can we occasionally see a finger in the frame gripping the toys? Why am I never fucking home?

Given these toothy, sarlacc pit-like plot holes, I figure it's okay to take a little bit of liberty in the suspension of the audience's disbelief in writing myself out of the toys' suicide, but not so much that it's off-putting. In the series' pilot episode, the toys inexplicably came to life for no particular reason, burst out from their packaging and started fighting one another unprovoked. In the context of the entire show, there's really nothing stopping me from bringing them back in a similar manner.

That's the route I'm leaning towards, and the question of the season would become why they've returned, and their goal would be to finally discover their purpose for being, which Arbiter has been asking throughout the entire show and seems like a fitting final thematic. To maintain the gravity of their suicide, the toys would return with a complete recollection of what had happened.

This isn't to say that I'm now unhappy with the way that I ended season seven. I'm actually still quite content with the current ending, I appreciate the ambiguity of the toys' fate after being vaporized, and I like to look at it as a victory for the pair, in the sense that they finally took some control over their lives that they, at that point, truly believed had no purpose, and escaping their destroyed bodies and excruciatingly repetitive existence.

However, part of me can't help but think now of how cool it would be to pick up the show from there, just when everyone thought the show was dead and gone, and build a relatively short string of episodes that deliver a cuss and antics-filled roller-coaster ride towards a more positive end that I'd be just as happy with, which I already have in mind. I think it's quite beautiful; it would be similar to season six's ending in terms of tone, and part of me wants to see the characters happy. The problem is finding connective tissue for my current anchor points of the story that won't piss everybody off and have me cyber-bullied into hara-kiri.

I've got a good villain in mind too, one who's been established previously. I don't want to spoil it, but it shouldn't be too hard to guess who's been the most despicable villain in the series and could possibly make another appearance given the way he went out. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get the same voice actor to return.

What I'm going for is a plot that's shorter, but more engaging than what has been seen already that continues to take full advantage of what the game content has to offer in terms of action, and balancing it evenly with isolated, funny, live-action moments with the toys as if they were 'Byte' episodes.

For those reading this who may be new to the show, the complete timeline is a bit of a mess. There's seasons dedicated to a main story line, seasons for shorter, self-contained sketches, and individual holiday specials. If you plan on sharing the show with anybody, please direct them to this blog and have them check it out through the menu on the left which reasonably divides and sorts all of the episodes, rather than click on a random one that pops up in a vague YouTube search, wonder what the fuck is happening and close the window.

There's also a significant jump in the show's tone and form half-way through the main story line seasons, starting around the latter end of season four. That's when I started incorporating super lame stuff, like character development and non-linear story arcs. Some new viewers may choose to start watching from there, I don't know.

The eighth season, should I go forward with it, would also incorporate the afterlife in a funny way, as well as myself as a character. I'm also considering finally executing my idea for a 2001: A Space Odyssey parody with the toys by incorporating it as the pair's subconscious transition from life into the afterlife, serving as their minds' coping mechanisms and a metaphor for transcendence.

I've created a poll asking about whether or not I should try and throw out one more season of the show. What do you think? Would you like to see the characters again? Would you be offended if the toys' deliciously dark end was worked around, and the show was brought to a positive conclusion? Would you think that I was just caving to those who have been desperate for more content, trying to potentially squeeze dollars out of a fatally beaten horse that has no business being given the kiss of life with lots of icky tongue?

I'm not even sure if it's legal to crowd-fund a show like this, with all of the assets and trademarks that aren't mine. I'm going to have to do some asking around if this project is favored.

Whatever you guys think, I'm honestly cool with it. I liked Ignition's ending, and if people think that enough is enough, I'll happily walk away from the series and focus on something else.

Thank you as always for all of your support, comments and e-mails, they mean a great deal to me and I hope they keep coming.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Multiple Potential Kickstarter Projects

Hey, guys.

So, following my release of the Chemotheraplay pitch video, I've run into a bit of a problem.

The feedback on the two cuts of the pilot has been mostly positive, but it's also been met with some very incisive, valid and constructive feedback from fans which I can't help but consider.

Thank you for it all, by the way. I've read everything. The reaction has been wonderful.

There appears to be a substantial school of thought that likes the show, but based on their knowledge of what I'm capable of producing, they feel I could create a different kind of show that's fundamentally much funnier; and all I'm trying to do here with this crowd-funding project is make people laugh as much as possible. It doesn't matter too much to me what form that takes.

So, I'd still like to throw up a Kickstarter page, but I'm not sure which project I should allot potential donations to.

I currently have three personal projects that I'm interested in producing:

  • Chemotheraplay
  • Cameron Shuttersnap Film How-To Mini-Series
  • Paulie Frost Pilot Episode

I'm going to throw a poll up on the top of my Blog and ask the fans what they'd prefer to see. Whichever wins, I'll try to make that the subject of the Kickstarter page.

Here's an overview of each project:


A satirical game review show in which I play an offensive, ridiculous character named the Chemotherapist, who claims himself to be the "cure for the cancer killing gaming" and mercilessly bashes games that are deeply loved by people all around the world, ranging from retro to modern-day titles with reviews that are riddled with prejudice and logical inconsistency.

Cameron Shuttersnap Film How-To Mini-Series

Another satirical show, in which I assume my 'Cameron Shuttersnap' character (from a film school assignment I completed in my first year, which can be seen here) and break down the process of creating a film from a written script to a finished product into a string of several episodes. It would, again, be riddled with logical inconsistency on the part of the character I'd be playing, but with a much more subtle and deadpan delivery due to the established nature of the character, which many fans consider my strongest assets and believe those aren't being taken advantage of in Chemotheraplay. I also intend for it to include interviews with my fellow students at film school who specialize in various departments, and the departments interviewed would depend on the subject of the episode, whether it's writing, lighting, directing, editing, etc.

Paulie Frost

A pilot episode for a half-hour animated series of the action and comedy genres, taking place in the distant future when intergalactic travel has been made possible, and revolving around a young penguin, over-the-top action movie junkie and submissive school yard punching bag named Paulie Frost, who's inspired by his childhood sweetheart Penny to take a stand for others when he sees her being bullied; the pair share a complete disgust for bullying in all of its forms. The story follows Paulie as he grows from a child into a nervous police Officer in training, and then into a hardened, no-bullshit intergalactic counter-terrorism agent when a monstrous and ruthless leopard seal named General Leonard Rex seeks to reign supreme control over the universe with an army of lethal, brain-washed soldiers and targets the Earth, and Penny is eventually kidnapped and forced into slavery. Paulie's character develops further, until he becomes a sunglasses-wearing, cigarette-smoking, Desert Eagle .50-toting mercenary for hire who abandons the law and takes on the most suicidal missions, alongside a team of rag-tag misfit critters and close childhood friends aboard a barely-functioning spacecraft while never stopping his search for Penny. The show is intended to be brutally violent with a strong emotional core, and is essentially about bullying, exploring ideas including the cycle of abuse and the power of an individual to become whoever or whatever he or she wants, as the once submissive and physically abused young Paulie is, as an adult, forced to do brutal and horrifying things in his pursuit of Penny and abuse his increasing positions of power, and is placed in danger of the one thing he and Penny despise the most -- a bully.

I'm enthusiastic about all three, but if I had to pick one, I'm definitely the most excited about Paulie Frost, because I really think that I could make a funny, action-packed and bad-ass narrative.

Unfortunately, it'd also be the hardest to create, as the production process would be considerably more demanding, and I don't officially have an animator lined up.

However, Chemotheraplay and the Cameron Shuttersnap Mini-Series I could see producing myself relatively easily, with enough funding.

So, you see my dilemma; I don't want to ask for money when I'm not even sure what project I should pursue. I know better than most that you can't please everybody, but I'd like to please as many as I can.

Vote in the poll; what do you think?

Thanks again to all of you for your support!


Monday, August 25, 2014

'Chemotheraplay' Pitch Video

Hey, all.

Well, here it is. The following link leads to a pitch video for a satirical video game review show that I tried to get off of the ground about a year ago, after Arby 'n' the Chief ran its course, and failed. It's called Chemotheraplay, and the video contains two differing cuts of the pilot episode that I submitted for approval based on feedback that I had received:

'Chemotheraplay' Pitch Video

I know that many of what remains of my fan base have been waiting a long time to see this, and I'd like to thank them for being so patient. Although this is a little bit nerve-wracking as I'm not entirely used to having a camera on me, it feels good to be uploading content again.

Please check it out, let me know what you think of the cuts in the comments, and if it's a show that you'd like to see more of, perhaps you might consider donating to the crowd-funding page that will be soon to follow.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Status, Projects, Plans

Immediately following my last blog update, I was tragically involved in what had to be my several hundredth gruesome car accident.

While being as attentive of the dangerously icy highway as I could possibly be while yet again snorting cocaine off of my steering wheel, blaring Skrillex loud enough to shatter the windows, playing a very complicated game on my mobile in between sending texts to my heroin dealer for a generous hook-up, watching my dash-mounted television with an 80” split-screen display of the new Transformers movie next to a furious, cuss-filled Call of Duty free-for-all multiplayer session on the tiniest map and receiving balls-deep head from a prostitute sitting next to me so that I could occupy the H.O.V. lane (or H.I.V. lane, depending on how you want to look at it), some asshole ahead of me going dangerously below the speed limit came out of nowhere while I was travelling at well over four hundred kilometers per hour in an attempt to make it home on time to watch the 24: Live Another Day finale.

This cunt, who clearly undervalued the gravity of the Jack Bauer Power Hour, smashed the back of his vehicle hard against the front of my speeding car and sent it flipping over nine thousand times along the road, hammering children and grandmothers passing by into oblivion until plummeting into the river and exploding like an atomic bomb.

I’ve just been released from the hospital with flying colors once again, but the doctors strongly advised that I stop dying, and not die more than sixteen or seventeen more times, should it one day become slightly more permanent.

So, what have I been up to?

I can’t help but wonder how people out there picture me at this point; whether or not it’s an image of some overweight Halo nerd, regularly wiping my television screen free of fluid that could either be semen from chronic masturbation or pus having shot out from squeezing severe ‘sackne’, desperate to one day make machinima again and make a glorious comeback.

Although I still have a poor diet, now consisting almost exclusively of sugary kids’ cereal, I’m reasonably and surprisingly ‘fit’ -- in terms of appearance, at least -- and as I write this, I have a thickening beard, the hood of a sweatshirt thrown over my now closely shaved head, and I’m wearing a utiltarian green denim jacket covered in cigarette burns over said sweatshirt. If you were to pass me on the street, you might think that I was about to shank you in the abdomen and run away with your wallet.

I also have little to no interest in making more game-generated content, and I barely ever play video games anymore. The adult in me says that I’m better off -- I’m twenty-six years old now -- but the ever-present child in me is an angry motherfucker.

I haven’t regularly smoked cigarettes in almost a year now, I’m vaping on one of those electronic ones with the maximum strength of nicotine. That and the crippling heroin addiction have done wonders in holding my nicotine cravings at bay.

My most recent development has been my completion of a first draft -- also known as a shit draft -- of my first feature-length script. As I’ve mentioned on the Tweeter, it’s of the action-drama genre; a heist movie, inspired by the films of Michael Mann, among others. A modest amount of characters, a focused story, lots of guns, lots of blood, lots of semen.

Alright, maybe I’ll withhold the semen, save it for the inevitable sequel.

I’m quite a sentimental person, and when I voiced to my friend my intent to have the script bound with braids like a real screenplay and saved among my treasured belongings, he laughed and called me a faggot. I blew a load in his eye.

I realize that I’ve accumulatively written much longer stories in the past, but this is the longest work that I’ve written that isn’t in an episodic format; not to mention actually features real people and environments, as opposed to digital or plastic ones.

I’m also currently working on the pilot episode of an intense action-comedy cartoon series, which I’ve probably written over a hundred outlines of and have yet to hammer out a solid draft:

It would revolve around a character named Paulie Frost -- a small penguin with an attitude and no time for bullshit, who turns from a submissive youngster taking merciless beatings from bullies into -- a decade and a half into the future -- a grizzled, intergalactic travelling mercenary for hire on hopelessly suicidal missions, sporting sunglasses, a bomber’s jacket, a chrome-plated Desert Eagle .50, a grappling hook and a heavy addiction to cigarettes.

He would work alongside a rag-tag team of misfit critters and childhood friends as well as a malfunctioning robot named Fizzle, who would also serve as the on-board artifical intelligence for their tiny, barely-held-together ship.

Paulie, however, beyond mere financial reward, is driven by a greater desire to search the universe for his childhood sweetheart, Penny, who has long been kidnapped and forced into slave labor by a monstrous leopard seal named General Leonard Rex, the leader of an elusive criminal syndicate bent on dominating the universe and spearheading a massive army of lethal, brain-washed soldiers.

On Paulie’s journey of locating and recovering Penny at all costs, he’s forced to do horrific things and is placed in danger of becoming the one thing he and Penny hate the most and have always stood up against -- a bully.

So, there’s that. The action would be brutal and gruesome, but the show would have a strong emotional core.

If I complete a draft, I’ll be taking it to a few kick-ass animators that I know, namely the man who goes by the alias of D Laz, who some of you might be familiar with. Then I’ll likely start a crowd-funding campaign for it. That seems to be the ticket these days, but I can’t help but feel hesitant.

I’ve gotta do something soon, I’m broke as fuck. Seriously.

Sure wish I was getting residual income for the hits I’ve gotten for Machinima; I might have owned a personal collection of fighter jets and my own fucking space shuttle by now.

It probably has sure as hell seemed like it, but I’m not vegetating. Many probably picture me as a giant lump of broccoli laying in a bed by now. The truth is that I’m still very driven towards producing content and I’ve been getting a lot done, it just hasn’t been seeing the light of day, unfortunately.

I haven’t had a place to call my own for almost two months now. I had to move out of my bachelor’s apartment because I couldn’t cut the required amount of rent for much longer.

I could’ve started charging extra money for sucking dicks on the street, but then I would’ve had to swallow.

Thank Christ that I’ve made very kind and close friends throughout my time spent at school working towards a Bachelor of Motion Picture Arts degree -- which, another friend of mine assures me, should prove incredibly useful for rolling a massive blunt with once my schooling is over -- and for the past month and a half I’ve been couch-surfing in a recreational space of a two-story house in co-habitance with a number of said friends.

All of my shit is currently being held in storage in a facility way at the very ass-end of the city, including my desktop computer, which is why I’ve been uploading fuck all as of late. All I’ve had since I’ve moved is my laptop, my notebook, some clothing and a few other essential times with me -- namely my expansive collection of freaky dildos.

I know what you’re thinking: What do you think carrots and hamsters are for?

The good news is that I’ve finally manged to secure a place of my own, but I won’t be getting the keys until the first of August, and I’ll be living with four other guys. I’m not worried -- they’re all great. But the fact remains that, if we’re living together, we’re all obligated to fuck each other, and that might be awkward. Everybody at the the same time, too -- it’ll be like that thrusting pile of naked men in the ‘Gooback’ episode South Park.

Also worth mentioning is the fact that each of us have a distinctive skill-set: I write predominantly, another has written and directed his own feature film already, another is a great camera operator with a wealth of gear, and another is a film lighting technician; and all of us have experience writing, filming and editing on a number of platforms, including Final Cut, Premiere, Avid -- and even Windows Movie Maker and Microsoft Paint, the kings of them all.

Ideally, once we’ve settled into the place, we’d like to establish a work flow and get some content rolling out.

I’ve been getting a few twats on Tweeter and some digimatronic mails in regard to people creating and uploading their own spin-offs and reboots of my old content; Arby ‘n ‘the Chief, among others. I’ve noticed that some fans are pleased with the fact, and others are throwing up torches and pitchforks and expect that I’m just as outraged.

To be honest, I’m flattered that there are people out there who are fond enough of my content to feel compelled to continue it in their own way.

That being said, rules pertaining to intellectual properties are in place for a reason, and all people who have created and uploaded their own versions of my content without my consent will be subject to a $750,000,000,000,000,000,000 fine and the anal insertion of a carnivorous rodent. I don’t make the rules, I just invent them.

In all seriousness -- the above is true.

In slightly more seriousness, I’m not going to attack anybody or slap lawsuits on them for being big fans of my stuff, that’s retarded. Besides, Machinima owns the show anyway.

Speaking of Machinima, and in response to many inquiries -- no, I am currently not working with Machinima anymore; that chapter of my life is closed. At this time I’m not prepared to discuss how that came to be exactly.

All I’ll say is that it wasn’t pleasant.

Working on Arby ‘n’ the Chief was stressful, but there were aspects of that job that I miss. I miss working in my underwear, as well as the rush of completing and submitting a new episode, then being met with lots of immediate feedback, most of which was very positive, constructive and encouraging towards the end of the show’s run.

I started out writing and producing through the same means as these unoffical reboot uploaders -- imitation. I’d watch certain stuff, really like things about it, and then try to recreate it in order to convince myself that I was capable of conveying the same feeling through visuals myself.

Thanks to the fact and after I started figuring out how story-telling works, I was able to evolve my process and begin writing and producing original content -- but that didn’t come until much, much later. Season seven of Arby ‘n’ the Chief is the only season of the show that I’m overall satisfied with. Maybe season five as well.

When I was starting out, I was also infringing my ass off, using tracks from popular music artists and the scores of major motion pictures without consent, and taking beloved Microsoft trademarks and rendering them twisted in what I believed to be a funny context and satirical of the world of video gaming at the time.

I was a stupid kid, and I don’t encourage anybody to follow in my particular footsteps. I’m thankful that I haven’t been legally flayed alive for my ineptitude.

All I’ll say in regard to the inspired uploads is that I can’t accept or announce any of these fan-made Arby ‘n’ the Chief storylines as canon, as I still stand by the way that I ended the show -- much still to the disapproval of many, I’m sure. Sorry.

Believe it or not, I consider it a happy ending for the toys. Perhaps I’m wrong and it’s only revealing of the degree at which I’m fucked in the head, but it’s an ending that I personally felt creatively driven to build towards.

The only thing that bothers me about the inspired content is that, besides Arby ‘n’ the Chief, I think terribly of nearly everything that I’ve ever made -- so, in regretful spite of the appreciation by fans of my old shows, which I am grateful for, it genuinely makes me cringe when people suggest the idea of their live-action reboots and the like.

Notice that I’m not even mentioning the names of those shows; my insecurity and desire to distance myself from that work is that absurd.

As the writer on said shows, I’m very familiar with the processes of thought that went into creating them, and they were bad. My logic and tastes were poor. The fact is, I didn’t know how to write at the time. I was learning.

I’ve talked about this before -- I don’t mean to speak lowly of the terrific performances from other people that I was kindly given to contribute to that old content. I’m just painfully unsatisfied with my abilities at the time, and I honestly don’t believe that the work is worthy of being rebooted. Out of my insecurity, I wouldn’t condone it -- however, if somebody’s going to stop these inspired content creators, it isn’t going to be me.

The one thing that I would suggest is for those people to instead focus their energy on something new and better.

To wrap this up -- I should be settled in my new place sometime in the middle of August, and I have a plan.

Remember Chemotheraplay, that satirical gaming review show I tried to get off of the ground? The pilot was ordered, produced and paid for by Machinima, but it ended up sitting on their servers, never seeing the light of day.

When I inquired about the fate of the show to a contact that I have at Machinima’s offices, and whether I still owned the rights to the intellectual property even though the pilot was paid for, I was told that I could upload the pilot to my own private channel and that the company’s legal team was highly unlikely to cause a problem for me.

I have a censored and an uncensored version of said pilot -- the uncensored version was the first cut that I sent, and it was deemed ‘too extreme’. I can’t help but be proud.

So, once I’m settled, I plan to upload both versions up onto my private YouTube channel and let you be the judge -- so you will eventually be able to see it. And if people like it, I might throw up a donation page on Kickstarter or something like that and offer to produce a full season, or perhaps a show similar to it, all on my own creative terms.

I’ve also been building a wealth of ideas for sketches, short films, feature-length films and more episodic series in my time without a permanent residence that I’ll develop further once I’m settled, so you’ll definitely be seeing content from me eventually.

Many thanks to all of you for your continued support of me. I’m eternally grateful.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Godzilla (2014) Leaked Alternate Ending


Crowds of people having been evacuated from areas of the city fill the entire arena. We SLOWLY PUSH IN on a large television monitor mounted onto a wall displaying a critical news bulletin --

Under text reading the tag-line 'GODZILLA: PIMP OF THE UNIVERSE?', a shaky camera held from the interior of a news helicopter records live footage of the monstrous GODZILLA, wearing a black leather jacket and a sick wallet chain and throwing up gang signs as he sharply bobs his head to the pounding bass of 'SIMON SAYS' BY PHAROAHE MONCHE blaring from a Godzilla-sized boom box.

The song ends. Godzilla lets out a deafening, pant-wetting roar.

He pulls out an enormous cigarette from his inner jacket pocket, sticks it between his mighty jaws, kneels down and lights the end of it with the flames belching from a devastated children's hospital shrieking with the agonized screams of scalded youth.

He stands upright. Takes a deep drag of his smoke and exhales slowly, savoring it. He pulls out a giant pair of sunglasses hanging from his chest pocket, flicks them open and places them coolly over his eyes. He kneels again slightly to pick up his boom box.

I guess my work here is done.

Godzilla slowly turns around, smashing his gargantuan tail against the side of a building, crushing dozens of people underneath falling debris in the process. He starts stomping away down the highway, crushing one family-filled car after another.

CRANE SHOT -- a man runs eagerly down the highway in pursuit of Godzilla, struggling to catch his breath; the young, fresh-faced soldier FORD. We PAN DOWN to meet him in a CLOSE-UP --

Godzilla -- wait!

ANGLE ON Godzilla as he stops in his tracks. He slowly turns his head and tilts it downwards to meet Ford's gaze suavely over the top of the lenses of his glasses.

What's up, kid?

Ford struggles to find words --

You saved my ass back there.

Godzilla takes another puff of his cigarette.

We got lucky.

The injustice of Godzilla's modesty causes Ford's face to clench in disapproval and his eyes to well with tears. He shakes his head.

Luck didn't have anything to do with it. It was your courage. And your laser beams.

Godzilla and Ford exchange prolonged stares --

Then Godzilla smirks.

You know what, kid? You're alright.

You're alright too, Godzilla.

Godzilla sets himself down on one knee and holds his mighty fist out directly in front of Ford.

Ford beams as he curls his own hand into a fist and pounds Godzilla's.

Godzilla withdraws his hand and stands upright again. He turns away.

Ford wipes the tears from his face.

Where you gonna go?

Godzilla pauses. He tilts his head to one side.

Wherever I'm needed.

Godzilla then continues stomping his way a little further down the highway and around a corner towards a sick Godzilla-sized motorcycle. He places his boom box on the chopper's rear. Climbs onto the seat. Starts the engine.

Ford, chasing after Godzilla again, turns the same corner --


Godzilla pauses again. Looks towards Ford.

Ford gives Godzilla an awkwardly forced thumbs-up.


Godzilla says nothing for a moment -- then gives a slight nod.

You got any weed on you?


You know where I can get some pussy around here?

Wouldn't have a clue.

Godzilla scoffs.


He then grabs a hold of the handles of his chopper -- the engine roars to life and the bike obliterates thousands of buildings as Godzilla peels away into a couple of donuts and across the city towards the water. He grinds into the ocean and disappears under its surface with a thundering splash, the sound matched only by the storm of applause from the people of the city.



Action Movie in the Year 3000


It's the year 3000 in the thriving city of Google, its streets buzzing with joyous Google Plus members, as well as armed Twitter mechs blowing the skulls open of anybody who refuses to share a thought as Facebook surveillance drones beep and soar overhead, rapidly downloading and uploading ultra high-definition x-ray images of everybody's genitals. In a grungy apartment, grizzled and profoundly alcoholic ex-Twitter user Twat "Tweetin'" Twitterson, long reputed throughout the world as a master of tweeting, swears away the activity forever after the tragic loss of his now-ex-wife's profile on Twitter in a freak tweeting accident at Twitter's base of operations. Twat is reluctantly dragged into the second act by the rise of an extremely dangerous internet terrorist, wanted by the internet police for broadcasting a threat to begin keeping all of his thoughts to himself -- unless he's granted time off work for a weekend vacation at his cabin, during which he's allowed to turn his iPhone off for a bit. Twat might have a major chip on his shoulder and be suffering from the worst hangover throughout history, but that doesn't stop him from loudly clicking back the hammer of his Magnum revolver for no reason and tweeting like he's never tweeted before in a relentless effort to stop the terrorist. Risking the potential suicide of billions of the terrorist's followers on Twitter as a result of his terrible demands, Twat can't afford to pull any of his punches on this job -- he'll have to make an uneasy alliance with LinkedIn, and go so far as to reactivate his old account on MySpace and face the demons of his past.

"A must-see film. You'll find yourself so connected with Twat that you'll leave the theater feeling like a Twat yourself."
- Cameron Shuttersnap, Amazing Director

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Writer Wanted


Are you a lover of literature and film? Are you creative? Do you have a flair for the written word? Well, we have an open position among our creative team that might be just right for you!


- Cleaning the office. We will supply lemon Pledge. Its cost will be deducted from your earnings.

- Scrubbing the toilets. Overtime will be guaranteed following the staff's Mexican dinner nights. You are to supply your own respirator, boots and umbrella.

- Getting rid of that weird squeak in Dave's office door. Seriously, it's really annoying.

- Cleaning the office windows from the outside. The ones on the five hundredth floor and upwards could use a decent wipe in particular. Washing platforms are unavailable. If you are unable to supply your own safety harness, fishing line can be supplied for a small fee. Consider tying your clothing together for a rope.

- Picking toe-nail clippings out from the thick carpet while serving your back as a temporary foot stool. Dave collects them. Don't ask me why.

- Writing four award-winning screenplays per week, although five would be appreciated.

- Feeding the cat. Not that the fat cunt needs it.


- Master's degrees in physics, chemistry, astronomy, biology, computer science, mathematics, engineering, health science, behavioral science and social science from a minimum of ten institutions. Additional degrees are encouraged.

- 45+ years of experience writing award-winning material.

- Having read every book ever written.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to pay you for a period likely lasting several years due to some technical issues, but Dave regularly keeps the kitchen's refrigerator stocked with Mr. Freeze, and he says that you'll be able to take one per day for as long as you like. However, he includes that the ice cream sandwiches are his alone, and strictly off-limits.

To those unimpressed by the benefits of this exciting opportunity, I say, let's face it: writers are a bunch of faggots, really. They sit around on their asses, pretending that they're thinking really hard. The gig is typically just an excuse to slack off. They're hardly actual people, if you think about it. They're all introverted social disasters and idealistic pains in the ass. I'm not quite sure why they haven't all been rounded up and gutted like cattle for being so utterly useless.

Due to the volume of applications we expect, we may not be able to respond to them all.

If interested, please don't hesitate to contact us.

E-mail: 0o_XxX_Pu$y_$lAyEr_239067283907_XxX_o0@yahoo.com

Note: Serious applications only.

Friday, April 18, 2014

I'm gonna be a cool dad.

Alberta is introducing new tanning bed legislation this year that might restrict people under eighteen from using them. That's fucking bullshit. I want my children birthed under a tanning bed. They've gotta work on their tans as soon as possible. I'm gonna have the sexiest goddamn babies that have ever walked the earth.

As soon as they're pushed out and they're left to soak up those glorious rays for about -- I'd say four hours -- there won't be any time left to mop up the blood or carefully cut the umbilical cords. I'll just chew them right off, 'cause I've gotta get them down to the gym for some P90X, and real fucking fast. Gotta work those pectorals.

Now, I know what you're thinking at this point.

Jesus Christ, dude.

That's fucking awesome. How much will your kids be able to bench?

I'll start them off at around forty pounds, give or take. By the end of the workout, we'll have worked our way up to four hundred. Think whatever you want about that, but I'm not raising any fucking pussies.

As soon as that's over, I'll quickly dunk the kids into a prepared bath full of Giorgio Armani, 'cause then I've gotta haul their asses down to Le Chateau. Gotta get them some tight-fitting collared shirts and pop those collars straight the fuck up, as they should be. The kids won't have much hair, obviously -- but there's no harm in some product to make whatever's there look fucking fabulous. Torn, faded jeans? No shit. Sports sunglasses with orange tint? You bet your fucking ass. And dope-ass silver watches just like Jordan Belfort's. If the kids haven't spent enough time under the bed, it's nothing a spray-on tan can't fix.

Then it's straight to the night clubs to load the kids up with absinthe shots, parade them around and get them some sweet-ass poon already. Then we'll get home and if they've gotten ten chicks' phone numbers by the end of the night, I'll throw on Wolf of Wall Street for them as a reward before I put them to bed. I think that it's important for kids to have strong role models. If they start to fall asleep, I'll just press their faces against the television and duct tape their heads to it. If they've gotten fifteen numbers, I'll buy them Grand Theft Auto V on the way home. They can play that for a few hours after the movie. They'll need their rest for the beauty pageants and UFC cage fights that I'll have signed them up for.

I just want to be a cool dad, you know? It's hard to walk the line between a cool one and an irresponsible one, but I think I've found a balance.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Children's Story Writing

Hey, guys.

So, with Arby 'n' the Chief over and my new game review show apparently tanking, I've made a significant career decision today. I've decided to write stories for young children. People have considered my subject matter too sensitive and extreme in the past, but I'm determined to prove them wrong by demonstrating my versatility! Let me know what you think, and please share it with your children.


Cuddles and the Kite
A Children's Story
Written by Jon Graham

There once was a bright-eyed and delightfully fuzzy young rabbit named Cuddles. He lived in a cozy little wooden cottage in a beautiful meadow.

One sunny morning, he awoke excitedly in his bed. His eyes darted to his rabbit calendar on the wall of his room. It was his birthday today!

“Oh, boy!” Cuddles shouted joyously.

With a happy bounce to his steps, he hippity-hopped his way out of bed, out of his room and down the stairs in the cutest way possible.

At the foot of the stairs, he found his mother and father waiting for him.

“Happy birthday, Cuddles!” they exclaimed at once. Cuddles’ mother was holding a gift. Cuddles beamed.

She handed him the gift. He looked at it as if unwrapping it with his eyes. “Go on,” his father said. “Open it!”
Cuddles opened the gift excitedly. Inside, he found a kite.

“Golly, a kite!” He blurted out with glee. “A kite of my very own!”
Cuddles’ parents exchanged smiles and loving nuzzles.

His mother then gave him a light, encouraging nudge towards the front door of the cottage. “Go outside and play, Cuddles!” she said. “Just be back before it gets dark!”

Cuddles, hugging his new kite as if it were the most precious thing in the world to him, giggled like mad as he hippity-hopped his way outside and across the meadow.

“The breeze is just right!” Cuddles said to himself as he released his kite to the wind. It soared towards the bright blue sky and its fat, fluffy clouds.

“This is my new favorite toy!” he said loudly, at the height of happiness.

But then Cuddles suddenly lost his grip of the kite’s string, and the kite began to fly into the distance.

“Oh, no!” Cuddles whined as he hippity-hopped after it.

The kite then flew into the top of an enormous tree and got stuck. Cuddles hopped to a stop at the foot of the tree and looked up at his trapped kite. His eyes welled with tears.

“My kite!” He croaked, his voice broken with grief. “How will I get it back?”

An ear-piercing bang then echoed through the meadow, and Cuddles squealed in pain as his torso was suddenly blown apart by a speeding hollow-point bullet. The surrounding grass and flowers were showered with darkened blood and chunks of his entrails.

Cuddles, only barely clinging to life, his limbs twitching ever so slightly and his eyes wide, teary and slowly being drained of life, fought and choked for every last bit of his breath as a hunter then emerged from the nearby woodland, jogging towards Cuddles as he reloaded his rifle and guffawed with twisted pleasure.

He gazed hungrily at his downed prey before turning towards his two hunter friends who then also, in pursuit, scuttled into the meadow from the trees. “Hah!” The shooter shouted with pride. “Told you fucking faggots that I’d get him!”

He then picked up Cuddles by his rear feet. Cuddles’ body dangled limply as the young rabbit continued to choke for air.

With tremendous force and a loud grunt, the shooter then swung Cuddles over his head and cracked the bunny’s skull against a large rock. Cuddles’ neck snapped sickeningly and his skull was cracked wide open like a giant egg, causing his brain to plop out messily onto the grass like a yolk.

The shooter then dropped Cuddle’s corpse and turned to face his two pals as they caught up to him. He proceeded to unfasten his belt, and then dropped his cargo pants and underwear. “Alright, a bet’s a bet,” he said. “Now get on your knees and suck my cock.”

The two hunters groaned as they then got down on their knees. One of them cupped the shooter’s scrotum and sucked on his larger testicle, as the other ran his tongue up and down the length of the shooter's formidable, pulsating shaft and stuck his finger in his anus, sensually massaging his prostate.

“Ah, yeah,” he moaned in pleasure. “Just like that, bitches. Just like that. You’re gonna make me cum so fucking hard.”

It wasn’t long until he did, and Cuddles’ bloody, fractured face was splattered with a copious amount of semen.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Chemotheraplay Pilot, Web Log, Jackass Express


The pilot for Chemotheraplay may come out yet.  To my understanding, a revised cut is currently under review.  I'm not quite sure what's taking so long.  Not much I can do on my end.  I'll let you know when I learn more about its status.

As I've mentioned in my tweets, I plan on starting a web log series.  Nothing elaborate or fancy, just me talking to the camera about subjects either funny or informative, ideally both.  I've decided to make my first entry a thorough tutorial on writing and structuring stories in an effort to assist aspiring writers, based on the knowledge I've accumulated throughout my decade-long practice of the art.  I'm hoping you guys will get a lot of use and laughs out of it.

As I've also previously mentioned, I've started to put myself out there for freelance writing work.  I've acquired a little gig writing humorous articles on pre-conceived subjects.  One's already gone online, about the differences between making New Year's resolutions and the system of long-term goal setting.  The article and the others to follow can be checked out here:

Jackass Express

Thanks again for the attention and support, and stay tuned.


Monday, January 6, 2014



As you may have seen in my Twitter feed, my new web series project doesn't seem to be going down too well.  In an effort to generate some extra income, I've decided to make myself available for some freelance work.  Other than a few rabid trolls, I've had people send me a few genuinely neat ideas, but with many unanswered questions regarding their stories.  Also, if you intend to hire me in whatever capacity, I'd appreciate the inclusion of a concrete monetary offer.  Doesn't have to be big, just something for me to consider.

Back to the topic of unanswered questions -- if you intend on hiring me, knowing exactly what you'd like me to do, kindly making me an offer and sending me your story ideas as incentive, consider the following before you do so, and share your answers with me:

- Every story should be about something.  At its essence, what statement or question about life do you intend to pose by the final frame?  What is it precisely that you want to share with the world through your story?  Can you boil it down to a sentence?  To a few words?  To one?  This shit is hard, but the work pays off.  Trust me.

- You need a vehicle to pose this statement or question -- a protagonist.  Who is he?  Who is she?  What is it?  What do we, the audience, love about the protagonist?  Why do we sympathize with him?  What is his fatal flaw?  Can we relate to it?  Is it related to his past?  What happened to him that made him the way he is?  Or 'her', obviously, but fuck writing 'him or her' in every sentence.  How does he relate to the film's central question or statement?  Why is he the perfect catalyst in conveying this question or statement?  What makes this guy special?

- Who or what is your antagonist?  Is it an individual?  Is it society?  Is it nature?  Is it his own mind?  Is it a high-ranking lizard militia commander with cool spikes on his armor and one eye missing who happily roasts bus-loads of children alive with a flamethrower and slices grandmothers in half with his chainsaw hand?  Is your antagonist not physical, but an ideology adopted by society?  The antagonist is also known as the 'impact character'.  He's called such because he 'impacts' the protagonist in a way that nobody else could, and pushes him completely over the edge, leading to the protagonist's personal transformation and the drive to overcome evil.  Why is the antagonist able to do this?  How, exactly?  Why is he the perfect impact character for your protagonist and story?  How does he relate to the film's central question or statement?  Better yet, how does the conflict itself between the protagonist and the antagonist relate to the central theme?

- Where and when?  Why is the story's location and time period critical to the central theme?  What are they?  Is it a period piece?  Is it set millions of years in the future?  Does it take place in the modern day?  Why?  Why, why, why.  Keep asking that.  It'll get you to the heart of your story.

- Act one is your set-up.  Don't worry about blowing shit up just yet, except maybe in the inciting incident.  That thing the 'big bad' does that sets the story in motion, that turns your protagonist's world upside-down and forces him on his journey.  You've gotta set up your protagonist, your antagonist, the supporting characters, and by the end of it your protagonist should be set on a grand quest.  What is the quest?  What does the protagonist need to achieve?  Is he willing to accept this quest?  If not, why is he doing it?  Does it relate to his inner conflict?  What lies at the end of the quest?  Is the protagonist after a particular individual?  An object?  A discovery?  Who or what is it?

- Act two is your conflict act.  This is where you start blowing shit up and have dinosaurs eating grannies.  It should consist of constant moves and counter-moves on the parts of your protagonist and antagonist, or a sub-antagonist, like a henchman or something.  What does the protagonist encounter on his quest?  What happens?  How does it relate to the central theme?  Is the protagonist victorious?  Does he lose?  Why does he need to win or lose?  How does this affect him?  What does he do in response?  How is the antagonist impacted?  How does it affect him?  What does he do in return?  Things should constantly be heating up to a boiling point.  Writers lately have been chopping act two into two sub-acts, divided by a mid-point, the middle of the entire story, that throws the protagonist in a new direction.  Might want to do that, it can make the writing process potentially easier.

- Act two should end with the 'all is lost' moment.  This is the lowest possible point your antagonist could possibly find himself in.  This is where he's pushed clear over the edge and breaks down.  This is a result of the antagonist exploiting the protagonist's critical weakness, that thing we talked about earlier.  All hope is destroyed at this moment, just when the protagonist thought he was going to succeed in his quest.  At this moment, he realizes that the only way he's possibly going to overcome the antagonistic force is to mend his fundamental flaw, transform and ascend.  Which leads to...

- Your third act.  The resolution.  This is where your protagonist transforms for the better, figures out what he needs to do to defeat the antagonist, and starts kicking ass.  He defeats the antagonist by exploiting a critical weakness.  What is it?  Hopefully you've set it up very early on, so it doesn't seem contrived.  How is that weakness exploited?  Within your third act is the climax, which is the 'now or never' moment that results in the vanquishing of the antagonist and transforms the protagonist forevermore -- but at what cost?  What has he turned into?  Is he better off?  Has he changed for the worse?

- Following the climax is the denouement, during which time the action dies down and all the elements that you've introduced in your story are neatly buttoned up.  Unless you want to end on a massive cliffhanger or something, but I'd refrain from leaving too many questions unanswered.  If you're gonna use a cliffhanger, try and button as much as you can of everything else first.  Bring satisfaction to the audience before you go introducing a whole other sinister element that would result in a new story.

- Speaking of your ending, what's your final shot?  What's the final image that the audience is left with?  Why is it significant?  How does it relate to the central theme?  Does it sum up that theme and convey it to the audience?  Will it satisfy?

Hope that helps.  Best of luck to you guys in your writing.  Keep at it, and thanks again for all of your support.