Wednesday, December 2, 2009

News: About me, and other stuff!


You may have noticed there's a stunning lack of creativity in the titles of my blog entries.  I hate having to come up with witty little titles for every one of these, especially since I'm trying to update this blog a lot more frequently now and actually make it worth visiting for a change.

Regarding my last post about my experience at Vancouver International Airport with US Homeland Security, I've been getting numerous heartwarming e-mails from Americans feeling for me and hoping I don't hate them.  I don't hate Americans at all.  I hate stupidity.  It's just unfortunate that many Americans seem to fall into that category of stupidity -- but don't worry, you cool Americans know who you are, and I love you.  You're great.

There's not really a central purpose for this entry, or probably every entry from now on, other than to get a few little things off my chest.

Hard Justice sucks, seriously.  I mean, there's a few episodes here and there I'm proud of, but seriously, looking back on it, it's such shit.  Most of the reason lies in the fact that I'm given so little time to plan out an interesting season's worth of events and develop the major plot points of the episodes that make up that season.  Before season two of Hard Justice started, I had most of the season's events summarized and I figured when the time came when I actually had to write the episodes following those events, I'd come up with some clever shit, but that really just didn't happen.  I'm now stuck with the events I previously planned and I've just gotta plow through 'till the end with mediocrity because I didn't do a good enough job planning.  Thankfully it's almost over, and I have a few good ideas for the last episodes that'll make them worth a watch.

One Life Remaining I'm pretty proud of so far, I think I've showcased some of my best writing on it.  It's also very much from the heart, as I base Anthony's character and the scenarios he's placed in very much on my own life.  Things that happen to him have more than likely happened to me.

It's just a shame that it's all done in Halo, really.  Even in the comments for the episodes, I noticed some people are curious as to why the show isn't a live action show, and they're right; I think it should be, and it would be much more effective.  However, the fact of the matter is, I work for, which consists of... drumroll... machinima.  Plus, machinima is just flat-out a lot easier to produce than live action.  It's a quick and efficient way to tell a story.

A lot of people ask me where I get my inspiration.  I'll tell you, but it's nothing magnificent.  In fact, it's rather grim.  All my life I've lived with depression -- and not "boo hoo I'm depressed pay attention to me" depression, I mean "near-suicidal punching holes in the walls in tears" depression.  Most of the time it's tolerable, but there's some days where it's fucking horrible.  It has gradually made me a very pessimistic and cynical person, which, on the tiny bright side, has helped me develop an ability to find humor in just about anything, because without laughter, I'd have probably shot myself by now.  That, combined with my above-average English skills, has made me a half-decent writer, and my quite literally constant daydreaming growing up developed an ability to visualize great and dramatic camera angles, which explains my cinematographic skills.  Sounds kind of lame, but growing up (especially throughout school), I'd always daydream and imagine myself as some kind of superhero, saving the day or saving whoever girl I had a big crush on at the time, and so on, kind of like the TV show Doug where Doug imagines himself as a superhero saving Patty Mayonaisse from Godzilla or whatever the fuck, except I'd take it a step further, imagining an entire feature length film's worth of scenarios.  It's a bit childish and embarrassing, but there you have it.

Depression is very misunderstood.  Personally, I think people who don't have it have no idea how bad it really is, and it makes me uncomfortable to talk about it among my peers because I'm afriad they'll come to the conclusion that "I'm just a pussy" or I'm just not "sucking it up" enough.  Sitting alone in silence can be a depressive's worst enemy -- thinking about every single moment you've been embarrassed or wrong, feeling like you're being taken advantage of, except magnified many, many times, to the point where things going on around you are drowned out by bubbling, screaming despair and rage until the only thing that can get rid of it is breaking something with your fist.  So I always try to keep myself occupied and do my best to turn it in my favor, writing down shit that really pisses me off and deriving humor from it, which has led to most of my success.

I used to drink in an attempt to get rid of it.  Heavily.  Jack Daniels, unmixed, straight from the big bottle.  Did more harm than good; it's not something I recommend.  However, doing nothing made me punch a cupboard door off of its hinges one night, so I was on anti-depressants for a while, Cipralex to be specific, 20mg, but it made me feel dizzy every morning and sometimes like throwing up.  The side-effects of the drug were also ridiculous, and due to an eventual hatred for the horribly corrupt pharmaceutical industry, I eventually weened myself off of them.

I then began taking something else that so far, has done an incredible job of keeping my depression at bay.  I'm not really comfortable with saying because I'm not quite sure of the implications it can have if it's laid out in the open, but let's just say I'm glad there's a reason Vancouver is nicknamed "Vansterdam".

I am NOT condoning the use of drugs in general.  I'm merely announcing my methods of handling a bad mental condition.

So yeah, for those wondering how I am where I am now, I hope you've gained some valuable insight, and if you think you've got what it takes to do what I do, fucking go for it, at least give it a shot.  The world sucks balls and writing can be a great job and a creative outlet than can make you happy.  As a joke, I might often say that I hate kids' shitty machinima, but the truth is, I have a great appreciation for kids' willingness to tell a story to entertain others, there's something about that that's really, really cool to me.  It's how I started out too, so I'm really bashing myself whenever I joke about it.

I gotta get some sleep, so I think I'll leave things there for now.

Also, you may have noticed the blog has been revamped and cleaned up a bit.  Hope it looks cool and it's easy on the eyes.  I'm not sure if the text is too small on other people's computers, but if it is, someone drop me an e-mail and I'll get it fixed up.

That's another thing, I hope you don't get offended if I don't respond to your e-mail.  The truth is, I don't respond to like 80% of them.  Sounds bad, but I just fuckin' don't have the time.  I'm sure some of you know how it is.  However, I do read each and every one.  If you have ever e-mailed me, your voice has been heard, so at least know that.

A lot of the e-mails I get though are just flat-out stupid as fuck, which is why I don't respond to those ones at all in particular.

So yeah, to all fellow depressives out there, stay strong, you're not alone, and for the rest visiting here, thanks much for checking out my shit and supporting me one way or another, I greatly appreciate it, even though it seems like I don't most of the time.  I do.  High five.