Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Story: Halo 3: O.R.B.I.T.A.L.D.R.O.P.S.H.O.C.K.T.R.O.O.P.E.R.S.

Blinking terminal lights illuminated the meeting room of the O.R.B.I.T.A.L.D.R.O.P.S.H.O.C.K.T.R.O.O.P.E.R.S. (Obnoxious Redneck Bastard Inbred Transvestite Anus Licking Diarrhea Rushing Odor Poop Shoot Happy One Poop Shit Having Osteoporosis Cock Krunching Tranny Riding Oh Oops Poop Everywhere Rolaids). The unnamed hero of the story was napping stereotypically with his helmet on as the story progressed in the background during a conversation regarding their imminent drop onto New Mombasa.

"Generic mid-conversation military statement", said corporal sergeant sarge, leader of the team.

"Just sayin'" said the black guy that's obviously gonna die first like in every movie, with an overdone, twisted expression of shock. Orbital Drop shock. Trooper.

Suddenly the doors to the meeting room opened revealing Buck, sporting the combover of the millenium, and his love interest that simply refuses to put love before the mission. They bounced through the doorway like hand-animated bouncy Dreamworks characters and started arguing like a married couple, kind of like Ed Harris and that chick in the movie The Abyss directed by the same guy that made Avatar that's coming out soon in theatres, not to be confused with M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender which everyone is looking forward to because Shyamalan's movies are so good (not).

Buck shoved a sniper rifle into the black guy's grasp, because black guys are really good with guns because they're always committing crimes and running from poh-leese.

"Check your mouths, find your chairs... and GET SEEETTTTT... and dance because you know the music" said Buck with really good voice actingnothing short of amazing as verified by IGN, cleverly referring to the act of gearing up in response to an alarm instead of just realistically saying "Let's gear up because it's time to start the mission" or whatever.

The unnamed, helmeted hero was then rudely awoken and shot towards Earth, but things went terribly wrong when a Covenant ship did a slipspace jump so they could go back in time and play Halo 1 again and mull over what went horribly wrong in the series' progression.

The hero's pod's electric thing that operates the thing then exploded, causing the pod to spiral out of control towards the incredibly dark cityscape that requires you to put your TV's brightness and contrast to maximum, and then it crashed into a Brute gay bar, and they were all pissed off.

To be continued?