Friday, April 18, 2014

I'm gonna be a cool dad.

Alberta is introducing new tanning bed legislation this year that might restrict people under eighteen from using them. That's fucking bullshit. I want my children birthed under a tanning bed. They've gotta work on their tans as soon as possible. I'm gonna have the sexiest goddamn babies that have ever walked the earth.

As soon as they're pushed out and they're left to soak up those glorious rays for about -- I'd say four hours -- there won't be any time left to mop up the blood or carefully cut the umbilical cords. I'll just chew them right off, 'cause I've gotta get them down to the gym for some P90X, and real fucking fast. Gotta work those pectorals.

Now, I know what you're thinking at this point.

Jesus Christ, dude.

That's fucking awesome. How much will your kids be able to bench?

I'll start them off at around forty pounds, give or take. By the end of the workout, we'll have worked our way up to four hundred. Think whatever you want about that, but I'm not raising any fucking pussies.

As soon as that's over, I'll quickly dunk the kids into a prepared bath full of Giorgio Armani, 'cause then I've gotta haul their asses down to Le Chateau. Gotta get them some tight-fitting collared shirts and pop those collars straight the fuck up, as they should be. The kids won't have much hair, obviously -- but there's no harm in some product to make whatever's there look fucking fabulous. Torn, faded jeans? No shit. Sports sunglasses with orange tint? You bet your fucking ass. And dope-ass silver watches just like Jordan Belfort's. If the kids haven't spent enough time under the bed, it's nothing a spray-on tan can't fix.

Then it's straight to the night clubs to load the kids up with absinthe shots, parade them around and get them some sweet-ass poon already. Then we'll get home and if they've gotten ten chicks' phone numbers by the end of the night, I'll throw on Wolf of Wall Street for them as a reward before I put them to bed. I think that it's important for kids to have strong role models. If they start to fall asleep, I'll just press their faces against the television and duct tape their heads to it. If they've gotten fifteen numbers, I'll buy them Grand Theft Auto V on the way home. They can play that for a few hours after the movie. They'll need their rest for the beauty pageants and UFC cage fights that I'll have signed them up for.

I just want to be a cool dad, you know? It's hard to walk the line between a cool one and an irresponsible one, but I think I've found a balance.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Children's Story Writing

Hey, guys.

So, with Arby 'n' the Chief over and my new game review show apparently tanking, I've made a significant career decision today. I've decided to write stories for young children. People have considered my subject matter too sensitive and extreme in the past, but I'm determined to prove them wrong by demonstrating my versatility! Let me know what you think, and please share it with your children.

Love,
Jon.

Cuddles and the Kite

A Children's Story
Written by Jon Graham

There once was a bright-eyed and delightfully fuzzy young rabbit named Cuddles. He lived in a cozy little wooden cottage in a beautiful meadow.

One sunny morning, he awoke excitedly in his bed. His eyes darted to his rabbit calendar on the wall of his room. It was his birthday today!

“Oh, boy!” Cuddles shouted joyously.

With a happy bounce to his steps, he hippity-hopped his way out of bed, out of his room and down the stairs in the cutest way possible.

At the foot of the stairs, he found his mother and father waiting for him.

“Happy birthday, Cuddles!” they exclaimed at once. Cuddles’ mother was holding a gift. Cuddles beamed.

She handed him the gift. He looked at it as if unwrapping it with his eyes. “Go on,” his father said. “Open it!”

Cuddles opened the gift excitedly. Inside, he found a kite.

“Golly, a kite!” He blurted out with glee. “A kite of my very own!”

Cuddles’ parents exchanged smiles and loving nuzzles.

His mother then gave him a light, encouraging nudge towards the front door of the cottage. “Go outside and play, Cuddles!” she said. “Just be back before it gets dark!”

Cuddles, hugging his new kite as if it were the most precious thing in the world to him, giggled like mad as he hippity-hopped his way outside and across the meadow.

“The breeze is just right!” Cuddles said to himself as he released his kite to the wind. It soared towards the bright blue sky and its fat, fluffy clouds.

“This is my new favorite toy!” he said loudly, at the height of happiness.

But then Cuddles suddenly lost his grip of the kite’s string, and the kite began to fly into the distance. 

“Oh, no!” Cuddles whined as he hippity-hopped after it.

The kite then flew into the top of an enormous tree and got stuck. Cuddles hopped to a stop at the foot of the tree and looked up at his trapped kite. His eyes welled with tears.

“My kite!” He croaked, his voice broken with grief. “How will I get it back?”

An ear-piercing bang then echoed through the meadow, and Cuddles squealed in pain as his torso was suddenly blown apart by a speeding hollow-point bullet. The surrounding grass and flowers were showered with darkened blood and chunks of his entrails.

Cuddles, only barely clinging to life, his limbs twitching ever so slightly and his eyes wide, teary and slowly being drained of life, fought and choked for every last bit of his breath as a hunter then emerged from the nearby woodland, jogging towards Cuddles as he reloaded his rifle and guffawed with twisted pleasure.

He gazed hungrily at his downed prey before turning towards his two hunter friends who then also, in pursuit, scuttled into the meadow from the trees. “Hah!” The shooter shouted with pride. “Told you fucking faggots that I’d get him!”

He then picked up Cuddles by his rear feet. Cuddles’ body dangled limply as the young rabbit continued to choke for air.

With tremendous force and a loud grunt, the shooter then swung Cuddles over his head and cracked the bunny’s skull against a large rock. Cuddles’ neck snapped sickeningly and his skull was cracked wide open like a giant egg, causing his brain to plop out messily onto the grass like a yolk.

The shooter then dropped Cuddle’s corpse and turned to face his two pals as they caught up to him. He proceeded to unfasten his belt, and then dropped his cargo pants and underwear. “Alright, a bet’s a bet,” he said. “Now get on your knees and suck my cock.”

The two hunters groaned as they then got down on their knees. One of them cupped the shooter’s scrotum and sucked on his larger testicle, as the other ran his tongue up and down the length of the shooter's formidable, pulsating shaft and stuck his finger in his anus, sensually massaging his prostate.

“Ah, yeah,” he moaned in pleasure. “Just like that, bitches. Just like that. You’re gonna make me cum so fucking hard.”

It wasn’t long until he did, and Cuddles’ bloody, fractured face was splattered with a copious amount of semen.

THE END

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Chemotheraplay Pilot, Web Log, Jackass Express

Howdy,

The pilot for Chemotheraplay may come out yet.  To my understanding, a revised cut is currently under review.  I'm not quite sure what's taking so long.  Not much I can do on my end.  I'll let you know when I learn more about its status.

As I've mentioned in my tweets, I plan on starting a web log series.  Nothing elaborate or fancy, just me talking to the camera about subjects either funny or informative, ideally both.  I've decided to make my first entry a thorough tutorial on writing and structuring stories in an effort to assist aspiring writers, based on the knowledge I've accumulated throughout my decade-long practice of the art.  I'm hoping you guys will get a lot of use and laughs out of it.

As I've also previously mentioned, I've started to put myself out there for freelance writing work.  I've acquired a little gig writing humorous articles on pre-conceived subjects.  One's already gone online, about the differences between making New Year's resolutions and the system of long-term goal setting.  The article and the others to follow can be checked out here:

Jackass Express

Thanks again for the attention and support, and stay tuned.

Cheers,
Jon

Monday, January 6, 2014

Freelance

Hello,

As you may have seen in my Twitter feed, my new web series project doesn't seem to be going down too well.  In an effort to generate some extra income, I've decided to make myself available for some freelance work.  Other than a few rabid trolls, I've had people send me a few genuinely neat ideas, but with many unanswered questions regarding their stories.  Also, if you intend to hire me in whatever capacity, I'd appreciate the inclusion of a concrete monetary offer.  Doesn't have to be big, just something for me to consider.

Back to the topic of unanswered questions -- if you intend on hiring me, knowing exactly what you'd like me to do, kindly making me an offer and sending me your story ideas as incentive, consider the following before you do so, and share your answers with me:

- Every story should be about something.  At its essence, what statement or question about life do you intend to pose by the final frame?  What is it precisely that you want to share with the world through your story?  Can you boil it down to a sentence?  To a few words?  To one?  This shit is hard, but the work pays off.  Trust me.

- You need a vehicle to pose this statement or question -- a protagonist.  Who is he?  Who is she?  What is it?  What do we, the audience, love about the protagonist?  Why do we sympathize with him?  What is his fatal flaw?  Can we relate to it?  Is it related to his past?  What happened to him that made him the way he is?  Or 'her', obviously, but fuck writing 'him or her' in every sentence.  How does he relate to the film's central question or statement?  Why is he the perfect catalyst in conveying this question or statement?  What makes this guy special?

- Who or what is your antagonist?  Is it an individual?  Is it society?  Is it nature?  Is it his own mind?  Is it a high-ranking lizard militia commander with cool spikes on his armor and one eye missing who happily roasts bus-loads of children alive with a flamethrower and slices grandmothers in half with his chainsaw hand?  Is your antagonist not physical, but an ideology adopted by society?  The antagonist is also known as the 'impact character'.  He's called such because he 'impacts' the protagonist in a way that nobody else could, and pushes him completely over the edge, leading to the protagonist's personal transformation and the drive to overcome evil.  Why is the antagonist able to do this?  How, exactly?  Why is he the perfect impact character for your protagonist and story?  How does he relate to the film's central question or statement?  Better yet, how does the conflict itself between the protagonist and the antagonist relate to the central theme?

- Where and when?  Why is the story's location and time period critical to the central theme?  What are they?  Is it a period piece?  Is it set millions of years in the future?  Does it take place in the modern day?  Why?  Why, why, why.  Keep asking that.  It'll get you to the heart of your story.

- Act one is your set-up.  Don't worry about blowing shit up just yet, except maybe in the inciting incident.  That thing the 'big bad' does that sets the story in motion, that turns your protagonist's world upside-down and forces him on his journey.  You've gotta set up your protagonist, your antagonist, the supporting characters, and by the end of it your protagonist should be set on a grand quest.  What is the quest?  What does the protagonist need to achieve?  Is he willing to accept this quest?  If not, why is he doing it?  Does it relate to his inner conflict?  What lies at the end of the quest?  Is the protagonist after a particular individual?  An object?  A discovery?  Who or what is it?

- Act two is your conflict act.  This is where you start blowing shit up and have dinosaurs eating grannies.  It should consist of constant moves and counter-moves on the parts of your protagonist and antagonist, or a sub-antagonist, like a henchman or something.  What does the protagonist encounter on his quest?  What happens?  How does it relate to the central theme?  Is the protagonist victorious?  Does he lose?  Why does he need to win or lose?  How does this affect him?  What does he do in response?  How is the antagonist impacted?  How does it affect him?  What does he do in return?  Things should constantly be heating up to a boiling point.  Writers lately have been chopping act two into two sub-acts, divided by a mid-point, the middle of the entire story, that throws the protagonist in a new direction.  Might want to do that, it can make the writing process potentially easier.

- Act two should end with the 'all is lost' moment.  This is the lowest possible point your antagonist could possibly find himself in.  This is where he's pushed clear over the edge and breaks down.  This is a result of the antagonist exploiting the protagonist's critical weakness, that thing we talked about earlier.  All hope is destroyed at this moment, just when the protagonist thought he was going to succeed in his quest.  At this moment, he realizes that the only way he's possibly going to overcome the antagonistic force is to mend his fundamental flaw, transform and ascend.  Which leads to...

- Your third act.  The resolution.  This is where your protagonist transforms for the better, figures out what he needs to do to defeat the antagonist, and starts kicking ass.  He defeats the antagonist by exploiting a critical weakness.  What is it?  Hopefully you've set it up very early on, so it doesn't seem contrived.  How is that weakness exploited?  Within your third act is the climax, which is the 'now or never' moment that results in the vanquishing of the antagonist and transforms the protagonist forevermore -- but at what cost?  What has he turned into?  Is he better off?  Has he changed for the worse?

- Following the climax is the denouement, during which time the action dies down and all the elements that you've introduced in your story are neatly buttoned up.  Unless you want to end on a massive cliffhanger or something, but I'd refrain from leaving too many questions unanswered.  If you're gonna use a cliffhanger, try and button as much as you can of everything else first.  Bring satisfaction to the audience before you go introducing a whole other sinister element that would result in a new story.

- Speaking of your ending, what's your final shot?  What's the final image that the audience is left with?  Why is it significant?  How does it relate to the central theme?  Does it sum up that theme and convey it to the audience?  Will it satisfy?

Hope that helps.  Best of luck to you guys in your writing.  Keep at it, and thanks again for all of your support.

Cheers,
Jon

Friday, November 22, 2013

Back From the Dead

Howdy-ho.

The razor-sharp detectives among my fan base have been careful not to jump to conclusions and effortlessly deduced that, should my blog not be updated within a week’s time, it means that I’ve been mangled in a horrific car accident.  As I haven’t updated my blog since August, I have in fact been mangled in just shy of a dozen accidents.  The proof is irrefutable.

These accidents have unfortunately left my entire body in a hilarious and irreversible pretzel shape.  I have to walk on the tips of my fingers sideways like a crab, and I’m typing this now with my eyebrows and small toes.

My absence, for me, has been both busy and theraputic.  I found some relief in distancing myself from the show for a change, and finally focusing on live action projects.

With aspiring directors among you I share a valuable insight; don't make movies.  Watching moves kicks ass, and making movies sucks dick.  Give up on your dreams, go home and never set foot outside and face any challenges.  While you're at it, just have yourself placed in a chemically induced coma and supplied with nutrients intravenously forever.

These are what I’ve churned out so far as film school assignments:

Film and You: A Filmmaking Instructional Video
Moment of Reflection
Black Hole

Not only have I been busy, but I’ve been experiencing somewhat of a paralysis in getting my new satirical game review show rolling.  Run-of-the-mill paranoia; “My writing isn’t funny anymore.”  “I’ve lost objectivity, the show’s gonna suck, and everybody’s gonna think so.”  “I’ve had my fifteen minutes, and they’re long fucking gone now.”

People have called me a good director, which is very kind -- but I’m not.  What it means to be a director of film encompasses so much more than knowing where to place the camera, or knowing exactly how far to push the analog stick of a controller to make an actor walk.  It takes sharp people-skills, information processing and articulation -- all attributes that my relatively pathetic ‘bedroom’ work curiously hasn’t sharpened.

I figured that my ending to my show about talking toys wouldn’t sit well with everybody, but it seems that I underestimated the discontent.  That upsets me.  I can’t, however, say that I don’t still stand by the ending I chose.  Maybe my perspective on life is just twisted beyond repair, but I actually thought of the ending as a positive one.

Spoiler alert.

I don’t mean that it was positive in the sense that it glorifies suicide.  Suicide is a tragic decision, regardless of circumstance.  Unless I’m forced to eat cauliflower; in which case, suicide would be a fucking delight.  However, I think it’s fair to say that the show’s characters were a product of quite note-worthy circumstance, enough so that their demise at least poses one or two interesting, albeit broad questions about life in general.

I had to close the show.  The figurines were falling apart; I had already incorporated the fact into previous seasons of the story.  I figured that I had to show the characters go by the end in order to make an impact.  They were either going to take their own lives or deteriorate.

I considered the latter option, but given the logic I’ve established within the story of the characters’ absurd existence, it struck me as less satisfying than the former.  In my mind, the characters would’ve reached a point at which all of their limbs fall off, and they’d simply be completely immobile heads lying on the floor, retaining a conscious for who knows how long until it fizzles out.  That seemed too cruel to end on.

I also considered an ending involving a slow camera pull away as the characters sit next to each other bickering while playing video games, but not only did it seem too tame and ambiguous in regard to their fate, but it also felt as though the characters lacked significant developmental arcs as a result.

So I decided to have them die in a gas explosion, and I think that much more important than the ‘what’ is the ‘why’.  The Chief made a rash decision to rig the oven to leak gas and strike a match not out of cowardice of his future, but rather due to a lack of a future.  The emotionally taxing situations that the final season placed him in resulted in him finally growing bored of playing video games and shouting obscenities at people through his microphone within the modest confines of a constantly and curiously vacant apartment.  He’s ready to check out; there’s nothing to stick around for.

The Arbiter’s in the same boat -- he said it himself -- but he didn’t make the initial decision to destroy the apartment.  He did, however, allow Chief to do so, despite having an opportunity to stop him.  Chief tells Arbiter that he’ll strike the match if Arbiter makes any sudden moves, but I think that Arbiter could’ve easily snatched it out of Chief’s grasp with time to spare.  I think that he used Chief’s warning as an excuse to, in his mind, render himself a victim of circumstance rather than his own executioner.

In seeing the death of the characters, the audience can assume that they’ve slipped into simple non-existence and, at the very least, escaped their prison of boredom, if not transcended to some superior plane of existence.  In the characters’ case, I find that comforting, and I hoped that the fans would feel the same.  I really wasn't trying to piss everybody off; a theory that a few rabid trolls who consistently lurk the comment pages to this day seem to have adopted.

Sorry if you didn't enjoy it.  I realize that, despite the show's direction being entirely in my hands, that I have a certain degree of responsibility to satisfy the fans, and I might have failed that task.  I'm unsure because those who have a problem with something tend to speak up considerably more than those who don't, but I've also received very positive and insightful feedback regarding the ending.

Onto my new show, the pilot episode of which Machinima is now in possession of.  Here’s the details:

- It’s called ‘Chemotheraplay’.

- It’s a satirical video game review show.

- The host is called the Chemotheraplayer, and played by me.

- He’s horrendously biased and delusional.

- He has a boiling, venomous hatred of fanboys and casuals, despite being a textbook example of each.

- He wears a white, expressionless face mask and refers to himself as the ‘cure for the cancer killing gaming’ and ‘a white cell within the circulatory system of the industry’.

- Each episode revolves around beloved games, ranging from retro to modern-day titles.

- The host tears the shit out of each of them with twisted logic.

- Each episode consists of a tag, title sequence, review segment and tag, with jokes relating to the game weaved throughout.

- The show is heavily focused on rapid-fire joke writing.

- The subject of the pilot episode is Dark Souls.

- Currently, the show has only been greenlit for one episode.  Additional episodes will likely be ordered based on the pilot’s performance in terms of viewership.

- The subjects of following episodes would include Resident Evil: Director’s Cut (PSX), Minecraft, The Last of Us, Sonic 3 & Knuckles -- whatever game I can think of jokes for, really.

I’m really hoping that it performs well, but I acknowledge that it’s a longshot due to my evidently dwindling view figures.  If it doesn’t, no worries.  I should be able to pay this month’s rent if I suck a few dicks in the alley outside.

I’ll let you know when I’ve received an air date for the pilot from Machinima, but it should be out pretty soon -- assuming that it passes through quality assurance without any hitches.

If you’re not sensitive to offensive jokes and have an account on Twitter yourself, I encourage you to follow mine.  I tend to write quite a bit on there.

Those of you who continue to follow me, thank you very much.  I’d love to have a beer with the three of you sometime.  Stay tuned.

Cheers,
Jon

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Finale

Spoiler alert. If you're invested in the season's story, you should probably check out 'Ignition', if you haven't already, before reading on.

Feedback has been great and opinions mostly high, albeit mixed with a real sadness, apparently. I've yet to receive any death threats from viewers for going with the ending that I chose, which is nice. However, I've received a lot of e-mails from people feeling crushed in spite of their high opinion of the episode's execution, and numerous requests to release an alternative, happier ending.

That might actually make for a good gag, but creating a new ending solely as fan-service to be considered canon parallel to the original isn't an idea that sits well with me. That would be a bit like me e-mailing David Chase to create an alternative canon Sopranos ending in which Tony fends off an army of vampiric velociraptors with a chainsaw aboard an exploding space station. I'd give my left nut to see that shit, but as painfully abrupt as the true ending was, that was what Chase felt was most appropriate, I respect him as a writer, and I learned to love it.

"DO-ON'T STOP --"

Obviously I'm not comparing myself to David Chase. My point is that I think every artist deserves full control over the outcome of their work. There's a lot of debate about how the term 'art' is defined exactly, I'm not even sure myself, or if my show could possibly be considered as such, but I think it boils down to personal expression; and if that expression is influenced by the consumers of art, the work is no longer personal, and therefore ceases to be art.

'Ignition', while somewhat problematic in hindsight, felt overall appropriate to me, and I'm going to try and explain why.

After season six, ending it on a very high note, I felt like I had another story to tell. One that actually had something to say about confrontation with death and anonymity's effect on the human condition, and its heavy integration with society by the digital age -- but I told myself that if I was going to do one more season, I wanted it to be different in order to explore additional terrain in terms of my writing ability, and I wanted it to hit hard enough that it would be remembered. So instead of building to another happy-go-lucky ending, I decided to go the other way.

The decision seemed appropriate also due to the fact that the figures are so worn out, and incorporating that into the story seemed natural. The way I saw the story, the toys were gonna expire soon, one way or another. So I thought, what's the most intense way for them to go out? In a massive explosion. How would that occur? Gas leak, obviously. How does that happen? One of the toys rigs the oven to leak gas and strikes a flame. Who's the most appropriate character to do that? Chief, he's far more likely to make such a violent decision. Why? Make a list. Maybe he finally comes to realize how terrible he is. Maybe he's physically damaged. Maybe he's overwhelmed by guilt and can't go on. Maybe he's finally bored with trolling people on the internet. Okay, why would he be physically damaged? Maybe Arbiter beats the shit out of him. Why? Maybe he discovers something terrible about Chief. What would that be? It would need to be something big. Character death? Who? Well, who does Chief despise the most? Cortana. Wait, maybe this can be the thing that Chief feels guilty about.

And so on, and so forth. That was my basic thought process from the beginning of season seven's development. For the most part, I started with the very end of the story and worked my way backwards, and I suggest that writers seeking advice adopt a similar method.

Not out of ego, just faith in that the method works for me like a charm. Figure out what you want your work to say. Boil it down to a statement. Then ask yourself what the greatest possible way to reveal that statement visually is. Who's involved? What's happening? How does it happen? Where's it taking place? When? Why? Figure out your ending, then build up to it so it feels organic and plausible. That way you avoid that road block so many writers seem to hit of not knowing where to take your story half-way into act two. It also allows you to do cool shit like foreshadowing, which is a very powerful device.

Work your way backwards, building scenarios and images that complement and contrast that ending in meaningful ways. When you get stuck, start working forwards from the beginning of your story, with your ending in mind, until you get stuck again. Then start working backwards again. Keep switching until you finally have something cohesive you can then comb repeatedly to perfection. Those are my two cents.

Like I said, the toys were going to expire in a short amount of time, no matter which direction I headed in. Not only in the story, but in actuality. Every other conceivable outcome for the toys, to me, felt either too cheesy or weak sauce in comparison. I wanted the show to go out with a bang, so why not a literal one?

Plus, with death staring them in the face, it forced the characters to reveal their fondness of one another, in an appealing contrast, in my opinion, with their incessant and volatile conflict throughout the entire show.

Some people were turned off by the outrageousness of Tyler's appearance and demise. That scenario was actually inspired by a true-to-life scenario of a forty-something guy who decided to get on a plane and fly to the residence of a child who talked shit to him on an online video game and choke him out. Granted, Tyler's scenario was exaggerated for dramatic effect with the chainsaw and the conveniently placed police officer, but I'd already established Tyler as a psychopath, figured there's not much stopping him from walking out of a local hardware store with a chainsaw, and that it's not a stretch for a passer-by to have given an anonymous tip to the police over the phone of a suspicious looking young male waiting outside the front doors of an apartment building carrying a chainsaw.

The first image I ever had for season seven when starting its development was actually Arbiter sitting against the front door, riddled with bullet holes. Not long after, I thought about having blood drip onto his head from the holes, and then Chief spouting indecipherable gibberish from the bathroom simultaneously, in an effort to paint the most disturbing image possible and push Arbiter clear over the edge. That's what you should aim to do with your characters. Place them under pressure so extreme that they snap, and are forced to make extreme decisions, thereby thoroughly revealing character.

If the show stands for anything, I'd like it to be for what you can get away with purely through writing in spite of extremely limited resources. If you want to be a filmmaker, teach yourself how to write. I can't emphasize enough how crucial I've learned a good screenplay to be. You can have the best actors and most expensive cameras in the world, but a bad screenplay is still going to make for a bad movie.

I hope you can all learn to appreciate the show for what it is, and that you enjoyed the journey.

Thanks again for the tremendous support.

Cheers,
Jon

P.S. Here's a Facebook status update I wrote a while ago regarding sad movies that I think somewhat relates:

"I don't like sad movies." Eat a cock. Movies that have you leaving the theater feeling like a complete piece of shit don't get nearly enough credit. They have you re-entering reality with a marginally uplifting mentality along the lines of 'life sucks, but things could be worse'. The movies in which the lonely, sewer-dwelling orphaned hunchback with gargantuan heart and a microscopic dick slays the dragon (voiced by Morgan Freeman) and its deadly militia of vampire space bears, and ends up tit-fucking the princess on a tropical island for the rest of eternity have you leaving with an enormous smile on your face, which swiftly drops like a bag of bricks into an icy, coma-inducing grimace as life, the grotesque wall-to-wall shit-show, in which happiness was only ever intended to come in fleeting moments, in contrast, becomes painfully revealing of what it truly is. The same, of course, applies to the Hollywood system that produces them -- a dream fabricator, delivering you an endorphin rush in a room full of farts in exchange for hilarious, toe-curling fees which will only increase. I need to see more sad moves. I want sad movies occupying every single box office slot. Starting tomorrow.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Arby 'n' the Chief S07E25: "Ignition" (Series Finale)

Hey all,

Well, this is it.

Arby 'n' the Chief S07E25: "Ignition" (Series Finale)

It's been a good run.  I can't say that I'm sad to see the show go, though.  Not in a hateful way, just that it seems like an appropriate time to end it.

Truthfully, the figures couldn't survive for another season anyway.  Every joint of the two of them is hilariously loose, and the Master Chief figurine literally kept crumbling in my grasp during the grueling filming of the finale.  It was a fucking nightmare.  I lost count of the amount of takes that were ruined by Master Chief falling to pieces in my grip, despite my effort to keep the figure together with duct tape and Elmer's glue.  If I had a swear jar during the production, I'd have had to drain my bank balance.

My apartment's still a mess from shooting.  Haven't even scrubbed the fake blood off of my front door yet.

That said, I'm feeling great right now.  The finale's reception so far seems to be overall very positive, and I've spent so long trying to keep my head above water with the show's production that to be finally out of the pool is an immense relief.

I don't expect everybody to be pleased by the ending.  In fact, it'd be a miracle if everybody was, but I know it won't happen.  However, the ending pleases me, and I've learned to aim for pleasing myself with what I write.

Thank you very much to you all for your tremendous support over the years.  I feel proud to have made something that made people itch to find out what happens each week.  I feel that this seventh season is my best work thus far in terms of writing interesting and developing characters, and I'm glad to have it out there on the net for display.  Hopefully it factors somehow into kick-starting my Hollywood career so I can sell out and abuse hard drugs.

I'd also like to offer a big thank you to the staff at Machinima for putting up with my numerous delays, as well as offering me the creative freedom that I've had and the extra time I've asked for to maintain the show's quality.

I encourage fans to watch the entire season again, as it contains an abundance of foreshadowing all pointing towards the finale's final scene, starting with the first episode.

Also, please leave feedback in the comments section for the finale if you can, or shoot me an e-mail if you want.  I don't reply to everything, but I read everything.  I'd also appreciate feedback on the season as a whole as well as the finale itself; what you liked, what you didn't like, how well you felt everything was tied together by the end, and so on.

Hope you enjoy.

Cheers!
Jon